Tuna, Stop Chugging the Fine Italian Wine. This Isn't Two Buck Chuck.

So one of the most entertaining things I have experienced in Italy was the disco tech called "Peter Pan". Every guy in this place was a douche bag beyond belief. Some people may call this "fashionable" but I think they all look like they have seen one up close quite a few times. There was one guy (he probably could've been thrown in the category of "gym guy") who was yoked as shit but had this tight see through short sleeve shirt on. Tan as hell with his hair all styled in a way I have never seen before. I watch him walk to the bar then walks back towards the dance floor holding what looked like a lime green martini, maybe an appletini. This guy was too easy to tear into so I decided to see what other poor sap I could try and make want to pop a cyanide pill in his own J&B and Cola. I then see this guy in the section next to ours wearing a pink scarf. Ding ding ding, we found a winner.

So this guy is with a group of girls and some of his boys. I see them trying to dance and I just started to get giddy. I make myself a fourth vodka red bull and decide to go and try my newly acquired Italian speaking skills on this guy's girl. "Eeyo mota captivo" which means "I am real bad". She started lauging so I followed with a "Par se Ingles?" which means "do you speak english?". She replied with a no so I responded with a "Well that's cool, maybe you can leave this guy and I can teach you a little.". Considering she had this "Back off you dumb ass American before I pepper spray your ass", I decided to laugh in her face and walk away. I go and make myself another vodka red bull and start showing these dough spinners how to dance, freak-grind up-sixth grade-negro style. You would've thought it was the second coming of Mussolini.

Our ride is eventually leaving so I get lost on the dance floor and end up walking up outside and seeing everyone piling into this Mercedes van that was rented for us. One of my co-workers grabs me and pulls me out the van to show me these bouncers throw this garlic-knot making tool into a road baracade. One of the Shrek looking door men then proceeds to take his Italian leather boot and plant it right in this dude's face. The other two then begin to take turns allowing this guy's face to hit their closed, swinging fists. While this guy is screaming for his life, these door guys grab him by his belt, drag him to this high flight of steps, kick him a few times in the ribs, then heave him down the concrete stairs. By far, the most entertaining thing I have seen thus far in Italy.

Ok, so I shouldn't be blogging right now but hey, who cares. I hate affliction shirts. Really though, who wears that shit? Guys who watch UFC and think they're down with it are pretty gay. What's funny is any guy who does wear that crap will kick my ass but this is the one time I will stand behind my blog name. Get some, bitches. You gotta love the guy who legally changed his name to "murder machine" or whatever it was. Affliction guy is the same guy who goes down to West 6th and tries to find skankies who got the puke in their hair looking for a dang-a-lang that will please them for 2 minutes, maybe.

Ok, I'm too wasted to blog I just had to keep my blog going because I love starting controvery (Matt don't kill me). Anyways, Affliction guy, stand down, mix in a yoga class because everyone knows that you're not hard enough to get in the octagon. And if anyone who wears Afflicton has a problem with this then you can talk to my boy Matt (Sorry bro but you know this was enventually coming). So for all you Affliction guys reading this, fuck you and anyone like you. Sorry, Grandma. Knibb High Football Rules!!!!!!!!

Not Too Far From Home

So being in Italy for roughly 3 days has really got me thinking. I absolutely hate West 6th Street in Downtown Cleveland. I mean I can understand the chacheyness and creeps in Italy because it's part of the culture. Part of West 6th Street is predominantly skanks and douche bags. Don't get me wrong, I love a good skank every once and a while but for the douche bags, I want to tell these grease monkeys that those fake ass Dolce and Gabana they are wearing (at 11 o'clock at night) are just making them look complete ass clowns while they feed skanks vodka cranberries in hope one of these skanks will take a look their cranks up close.

Italians are the best. I mean these guys are so shauvanistic it's hilarious. We're walking down the street and women are getting just eye f*cked and getting cat calls hollered at them. You go down to West 6th and guys are still doing but instead they look like absolute creep/pervs. Here it's like all the Italians have never seen a woman walk the earth before and they have to be snapped out of whatever vagina induced trance that was just set on them. No joke, one of these dough spinners almost ran his bike into a pole checking out one of my co-workers. I was watching the whole thing just getting antsy knowing this guy might split his dome open. That's besides the point, I guess I'm just a little sick for hoping he got hurt, whatever.

It sucks though because it doesn't go both ways here (although I think a lot of the guys do). I mean women keep to themselves. You don't really see any women acting like the men, you don't see them checking out dudes (or maybe they're just not checking me out). Even though, it is entertaining to watch the natives do work here, it sadly reminds me of West 6th and all the dick heads that pollute the Downtown Cleveland area and then the skanks who follow suit. So I just want to thank Italy for giving me a reminder of what I am not missing from home.

Mid-Life Crisis? More Like Mid-Life Tragedy

Every man can agree with me that there is nothing like a good cougar. The way they hunt their prey and then pounce at any given moment. It's a beautiful thing. For those who have been living under a rock the last decade, a cougar is a middle aged woman, usually attractive and single, who goes after younger guys, preferably in their 20's. Im pretty sure all men can agree with me that there is nothing worse than a hyena. A hyena basically fits the same criteria as a cougar minus the attractive part. Hyenas can usually be found in hole in the wall bars, pounding bud heavies, and wearing some outfit that is truly unflattering. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

What really chafes my ass is that when a hyena approaches a cub (younger guy who is the prey of cougars/hyenas), they get offended when we act like we wouldn't even drain our wires on them if they were on fire. It cracks me up because cougars usually don't have to approach their prey. They will undress a guy with their eyes but after that, their work is done. They know they have captured their prey. Hyenas will usually stumble over to you, probably spill their drink on your all whites, and then slur something that makes you look at your buddy and say "Is this throw-away being serious?". I can understand a woman's built up sexual tension but hyenas do not know how to vent it out. Instead, they make everyone in the bar know they are a horny drunk but now they are making you guilty by association. My only advice to you fellow cubs out there. When you see a hyena, buy her another jack and coke and pray she gets so drunk that the guy working the door has to escort her out.

I know it's a fantasy for a lot of younger males to hook up with an older woman. Trust me, I've been there. But all I can suggest is this. Save your pride and raise your standards. Even though she might be an older woman, she is still a hyena and hyenas will eat you alive. Don't even make eye contact and if you do, go straight for the jack and coke move and pray she sniffs out other cubs. Good luck and god's speed my fellow cubs.

NFL Prospects Got Their Eyes on the Green

I always speculated that college athletes, no matter what school or sport they are involved with, have somewhat of an exempt from normal rules and regulations. My theory has just been proven to be a little more true after all of the events leading up to this year's NFL Draft. According to multiple sources, about 1/3 of this year's draft eligible players coming out of college have been red flagged for past usage of marijuana some time in their college career. What's even more shocking is about 1/3 of the players who have been given a first round grade, have either tested positive or admitted to testing positive. It's so funny because experts are also saying that this is one of the deepest, most talented draft classes in recent memory. I guess you could say these players are giving a new meaning to the term, "Being drafted high.".

What I find to be remarkably puzzling is why this is all coming out at the end of their college careers. Are these student/athletes so protected by their athletic ability that certain rules do not apply to them? I bet if the kid who played Halo all day that lived down the hall from the blue chip quarterback who is rocking a 3.5 GPA got busted with a little herb, he would more than likely get the boot from school. This might not always be true. Certain institutions probably have different protocols for these type of situations but that's not the point. The point is, these athletes are breaking the rules and their athletic department is covering it up. You look at last year's NFL Draft. Percy Harvin was one of the stand out players coming out of school and then a story surfaced about him testing positive for marijuana AT THE NFL COMBINE. You gotta think if this guy is dumb enough to burn tree before possibly the biggest job interview of his life, which is what the Combine essentially is to these guys, then what would stop him from doing it the first 3 years of college? He probably had the mind set, "Oh I used to smoke blunts at Florida and Coach Urb didn't mind. I don't think Roger Gooddell would care too much." Apparently not, Harvin was picked 22nd overall by the Vikings with the only real concern being injuries he suffered his junior season.

One thing I read on Yahoo! sports was that some GM's aren't looking at this "marijuana epidemic" as much of a problem. One un named NFL GM was quoted on saying that "with the decriminalization of marijuana in certain states, these players being red flagged aren't looked at as having a 'drug problem' ". Really? Ask Charles Rogers if he had a problem getting high. This was a guy who tore it up in college and loved smoking. Of course he didn't think he had a problem because he was emabarrassing defensive backs and pulling in touchdowns left and right. Then he hit the pros. He was the second overall pick and instantly became a millionaire. Imagine just how invincible he felt then. If a person wants to smoke a joint at a party, who says they can't (besides the law)? But when an NFL franchise is looking to invest tens of millions of dollars into a player, wouldn't you think that player would do whatever it took to keep his nose clean of any trouble? You would think. It's funny because one thing every NFL prospect is measured on is their commitment to the game. If a guy who is looking to make their living by being physically as well as mentally prepared for a game of football, would you think he is 100% committed if he's going home and ripping his bong after practice? I think not.

Can I Get A Spot, Bro?

These guys are some of the worse human beings on the planet. I don't use the word "hate" often but I HATE these guys. I strongly dislike gym guy, but I HATE wanna-be gym guy. I know if my buddy Matt reads this he might try and tear my arms off, beat the hell out of me with them, then eat my torso because it's high in protein. Anyways, on to gym guy. Jim Rome hit it on the head when he described gym guy on his radio show. If you want a better idea, go to youtube and type in "Jim Rome-Gym Guy". If not, gym guy is basically the guy you see at the gym who is straight cock diesel, can't even turn around to wipe his own ass because his arms are too yoked, and thinks he runs the joint. Gym guy will yell/scream/grunt/breathe heavily or loudly during his workouts just so everyone in the free weight area can know how hard they are "training". Yes, gym guy doesn't work out, he trains. Don't bother asking gym guy for a spot either, he's too "in the zone". Oh, and once you get off that chest press machine you were using, gym guy automatically hops on and makes sure you see him tack on about 100 more pounds. Of course, that's after he sat there and stared at you until you were done with your sets. Come to think of it, I HATE gym guy, too.

Now on to wanna-be gym guy. Wanna-be gym guy is that dude you see in the gym who is rocking the color coordinated get up, probably has some type of protein concoction mixed up in the $20 container he purchased at GNC, and gloves/straps so he can grip those 40 lb dumb bells better. If you say to yourself,"But Tuna, there are lots of douche bags like this at my gym. How do I know that they are wanna-be gym guy?". You'll know because that knob hasn't left you alone for the past 15 minutes. Wanna-be gym guy will pester you about the work out you're doing, what muscles it works, and where you learned it from. The guy never works out when he's in the gym. He continues to talk to any guy who will give him a minute and then once he realizes that you will drop a 45 lb plate on his foot if he doesn't leave you alone, he goes onto to his next victim. The best is when you get a chick in there and he's trying to show off to her either by grunting during his work outs (after he has already talked to every dude in the place. twice.) or showing her how she can improve her technique. Oh yeah, and if you see wanna-be gym guy walking your way in the locker room or if you see him in the sauna, do not make eye contact. Wanna-be gym guy then turns into locker room guy. I will touch on locker room guy at a later time but let's just say locker room guy can get a little weird.

Don't get me wrong, I support any person who wants to get in the gym even if they might not be in the best of shape. I applaude the people who actually work hard to get into shape for themselves, not so everyone knows they go to the gym on a daily basis. Wanna-be gym guy, I don't support you. I am against everything and anything you stand for and I think you should soak in that protein based shake you're drinking and allow a colony of fire ants to feast on your cellulite infested joke of a body. You're no model of fitness. You are just a model for people who do not want to be douche bags. Do us all a favor and stop talking to us while we're working out and put on some sleeves occasionally. Get a life, freak.

Will the Fake Slim Shady Please Sit Down

We've all seen them. That guy at the bar who's rocking the hideous, flat brimmed Cleveland Indians hat with the sticker still on it, the triple XL white tee, and the Roca Wear jeans that are hanging half way down their ass. Yes people, I am talking about those "wiggers". Don't get me wrong, I love hip hop. I was raised in a time where hip hop was just taking off and more and more people are beginning to listen to it, but now you are starting to see these posers who think just because they listen to hip hop they have to "live" hip hop. When I say "living hip hop" I mean these cracker jacks who walk into places like they already have a platinum album. I will bet that if you walked up to any of these slim shadys and asked them to spit a rhyme for you, they would provide you with one of the greatest laughs of your life.

You can't put all the blame on these kids though. Growing up, they probably couldn't find a hobby or sport to get into so they just began to listen to hip hop 24/7. Having a passion for music is one thing, but listening to an artist because he talks about "gettin money" and "drivin foreign cars" would not be considered as a passion. When a person listens to bad hip hop, that's all they get out of it. It's usually the rappers who don't have fleets of foreign cars or mansions that are actually rapping about them. You look at Jay-Z for example. Jay-Z's rhymes are more than talking about money and "hoes". Jay-Z raps about how he is a CEO of one the largest record labels in the world. Jay-Z raps about what the public already knows about. His $150 million dollar tour he signed onto. Jay-Z raps about the "baddest chick in the game wearing his chain" (which is a real diamond encrusted chain) in Beyonce. You see Jay-Z and he is either rocking a suit or wearing a nice pair of jeans with a nice button down. He doesn't need to drape himself in jewels from head to toe, because everyone knows he could if he wanted to.

What I'm trying to get at is this. If you got it, there's no need to flaunt it. And the guys who don't got it, try to flaunt it. I'm not trying to knock on these platinum artist-wannabe-gangsta-losers. I'm just helping them out. Save yourself the money, and embarrassment, and buy a Timex instead of that fake diamond Rolex (or is it Rolecks?) that is missing a few rocks. You can't carry a beat or spit a rhyme, so don't try. Instead, buy a nice suit from Men's Warehouse, fill out a job application that won't require you to ask if a person wants to super size their meals and take advantage of your potential. I know that if one of these "wiggers" did read this they would probably threaten to "put a cap in my ass" but again, that comes with the whole "gangsta" persona. But like I say for my blogs, I always accept constructive criticism and maybe some of you snowflakes should follow suit. If not, then I have one thing to say to you. Will the fake slim shady please sit down.