Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Gentlemen, Pick Your Poison

So after brainstorming with my half attorney, you know who you are, I have decided to enlighten the public on the different types of skanks you can encounter when you go out.  Skanks are like animals.  For every region, you will find different breeds.  For example, Downtown Cleveland will have the low self-esteem skanks who have dollar signs in their eyes and barely anything covering up their asses.  These girls cake the makeup on and are so concerned on how they look.  You have the Lakewood/West Park region that has, what I like to call, "Drinking Tomboys".  These girls just love drinking their faces off, falling over themselves, and sometimes you'll be able to see one puking on Detroit road.  These girls are fun to hang out with because they like to party and usually aren't stuck up little bitches like the sklizzies you see roaming the sidewalks of West 6th.  You finally have everything west of Lakewood.  These are where the cougars will fall into place.  Now if you have read previous postings on this blog then I do not have to go into what constitutes a cougar. 

Let's start Downtown.  Don't get me wrong, I love half naked girls.  I mean what straight guy doesn't?  It's so funny going downtown and seeing the superficial, low-rent, wanna-be Kim Kardashian trash that litters the bars down there.  It's a sad thing because there are some quality establishments in Downtown Cleveland that can allow the people of Cleveland to enjoy their Saturday nights.  I'm not saying every girl that goes Downtown is a skank, just the ones who aren't a street walker are usually the black sheep.  Watching these throw-a-aways running around down on West 6th with their 6 inch heels, half a mini skirt, and what looks to be a tank top is rather comical.  I mean they are tripping over themselves and usually (depending on the weather) are freezing their asses off due to their lack of clothing.  And with these skanks comes the rif raf.  You have these either guys who think they are platinum selling rap artists or Jersey Shore wanna be schlupps.  These tools are more pathetic than these hoes because they are falling over themselves only so they can buy them a drink.  The funny thing is, everyone knows that's as far they're going to get with these sklizzes.  That's the only thing these little skanks are good at it is being seen by all the West 6th tools only so they can receive a free skyy and cranberry. 

Now let's travel west to the Lakewood/West Park area.  Sometimes you will have the overflow from Downtown but usually you get a pretty solid roster of girls in Lakewood.  These girls usually travel in packs sometimes a couple guys who love fighting.  That's what's so ironic about the Lakewood/West Park bars.  You can find a girl who is pretty cute, not a bitch but usually being escorted around by a roid raging Brock Lesnar wanna be.  What's funny about some of these girls is they are pretty much closet sluts, no one knows they love to give it up.  These girls actually dress like they have some self respect and for the most part they do but once you get them feeling a silly, you can take it to the bank.  The bad thing about these girls is they are usually outnumbered by guys.  And every guy in the Lakewood/West Park area is looking to tag one so it pretty much only down to the strongest survives.  These are pretty much the girls, out of all 3 of my categories, the ones you would most likely take home to mom.  The Downtown skanks are the ones Dad would probably want you to bring home. 

Last but not least, my favorite.  Yes, I am talking about the cougars.  You could almost say I like watching the cougars more than anything else.  These magnificent creatures can be found prowling the higher end bars west of Lakewood and sometimes at the typical west side bars.  That's the beautiful thing about cougars.  They have this shit down to science.  If they want the old bull, they'll hit Salmon Dave's, Wine Bar, and one of the many establishments at beautiful Crocker Park.  If a cougar wants some of the young calf, you can find them trolling the patio at Panini's.  A cougar knows exactly what she wants and it's evident in how they carry themselves when they are out.  Cougars will sit at a bar in a way like they know they are a cougar and every guy, no matter what age, is constantly checking them out.  This could be why younger guys all want to bag at least one cougar in their lifetime.  Guys will go out thinking they can land one and think they're the ones in charge when that is far from the truth.  When a cougar gets her hands on a young cub, you better believe that it's her way or the highway.  So fellas, don't be shy, give it a try.

I don't know what every guy's preference might be.  Maybe none of your preferences were listed above but this is how it is broken down in any city, state, or part of the world for that matter.  I can only comment on Cleveland because that is the city I have the most experience and research gathered from.  I am sure there are other types of skanks out there, hell there could be divisions within each breed that I could get into.  I just wanted to lay the groundwork for you gentlemen and hopefully you can take it and run with it.  Good luck.  

1 comment:

  1. Love this man! And oh so true. Miss the Tuna. Keep it real.