Wednesday, December 29, 2010

You Can Call Me, KITTY CAT!!!!

http://www.thesuperficial.com/new-racy-miley-cyrus-photos-leaked-online-12-2010/1223-miley-cyrus-leaked-photos-00#comment-5387061

This girl keeps on impressing me week in and week out.  I mean you have to click on the link above, read the story, and look at the 9 or so photos that are there.  The bong video was pretty awesome but now she is taking photos of her sitting on her assistant's lap while her assistant tries to lick her tit.  Next you thing you know there's going to be a used condom found hanging out of her ass when she bends over to pick up her cell phone she dropped for a 15th time all drunk and shit.  It's bound to happen.  This chick is going to make Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Theresa.  What do you think Billy Ray thinks about all of this?  I bet he just looks the other way.  You would of thought that after the bong video he would of put his little princess over his knee and taught her never to do stupid shit again.  Come to think of it he probably did but she just enjoyed getting punished.  Oh well.  Stay tuned for next week when she gets caught on tape doing ritual animal slaughterings all doped on Special K. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Other Mistake by the Lake



How the hell does the Browns only send one guy to the Pro Bowl?  Joe Thomas is a lock but how the hell doesn't Peyton Hillis make it as the third running back?  Jamaal Charles was splitting carries all year while Peyton Hillis was making a defenses look like a bunch of soft nancies.  Lawrence Vickers also got the snub this year.  That cat was blowing up holes and knocking dudes out left and right in order for Peyton Hillis to  be stockpiling yards.  I didn't think Joe Haden was going to get the nod but he definetly gave Cleveland fans hope of sending a corner to Hawaii not named Darrelle Revis or Nnamdi Asomugha. 

Peyton Hillis has been a story all year in the NFL with his 100 yard games and high flying acrobatic leaps over would be tacklers.  Lawrence Vickers is what Cleveland football is all about with his bone crushing blocks and goaline consistency.  I guess if you don't have the .500 record or going to the playoffs you are easily overlooked.  I wonder is Lebron thinks Peyton Hillis didn't get in because it was a race thing.

Laughing All the Way to Congress

I don't get why there are people hating on Jon Stewart for pushing for the 9/11 Bill to be passed.  Because the man has a show on Comedy Central and delivers the news in a different, less settle way, he is automatically written off as a bad  representative for the subject?  I would have to push to say that Jon Stewart is one of the more influential voices in politics seeing that a large part of the election of Obama was because the 18-25 year old demographic exercised their right to vote.  Jon Stewart reports the news through a mean that the young adults of America can relate to.  He doesn't have to get up to a podium and try to secure a few more votes.  His intention is to deliver the news and if he may be perceived as blunt at times then that is because it is being said to an audience he is not targeting.  That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't know what he is talking about. 

If You Ain't the Bank Teller, Don't Tell Me Nothing



What the fuck is wrong with Russia?  I don't see how communism is still in existence.  I mean this man can't even do what he wants with his own money.  Mikhail Khodorkovsky, a very wealthy oil tycoon from Russia is being jailed, yet again, for stealing money from HIS company and trying to launder it.  Khodorkovsky used to be one of the richest men in Russia and now is being locked for trying to use his money the way he wanted to.  What kind of country puts their citizens in a situation where they are forced to steal their own money and launder it?  At least Obama isn't making the U.S. citizens pay more of their money to the government to be given to other citizens.  Wait...

Will Work For...Just About Anything

James Franco

James Franco is reportedly on the record by showbizspy.com that he will act in any genre of movies.  NO FUCKING WAY!?!?!?!?!?  Isn't that what actors are supposed to do?  You get paid a shit ton of money to act.  Does it matter what role you are playing?  No.  You're a fucking actor!!!  You are supposed to be pretending to be someone you are not.  Martin Lawrence plays a fat black woman in a string of movies.  Other than Charlie Sheen, no actor gets paid any significant amount of dough to play themselves.  Sofia Vergara plays a hot mommy who is married to Al Bundy when in reality she is a spicy mexican minx who probably loves when young men whisper sweet nothings into her ear while nibbling the lobe.  Sorry I just started rambling on that one.  But you get the picture.  

 
Ay Carramba!!!

Call in the Calvary

Since 1999 the Cleveland Browns have pretty much been in the obsolete of NFL teams.  I mean they snuck into the playoffs once and have had no true starting quarterback.  All that is about to change with the (soon-to-be) firing of Eric Mangini.  Augustus Gloop was a great coordinator under Belichek but he's just been acting like one gigantic pussy since taking over the reigns.  Now that Prez Holmgren is sitting up in the Lerner's ivory tower, he is looking down on the team just formulating a super coaching staff that will accrue so many titles it'll make the Boston Celtics and LA Lakers from the 80's heads spin.  When you got a quarterback like Colt McCoy who has known nothing other than winning his whole life and a running back like Peyton Hillis who has no regard for his own safety let alone the opponent's. 

Mark my word.  You're going to see a decorated head coach on the sidelines next season for the Browns as well as a coaching staff filled with numerous ex-head coaches that just got the axe this season.  I predict something like a John Gruden at the helm with coaches like Josh McDaniels running the offense and Mike Singletary running the D.  If you don't believe me than check back with the Tuna in late February/ early March. 

Gone Take the Money and Run

Kelsey Grammer could be one the dumbest mother fuckers I have read about as of late.  No Prenup!?!?!? Are you kidding me bro?  I mean and that was just the earnings he had to split up while they were married.  I still disagree with this whole situation.  If you read back a little, I posted a small blip about how his new chick is not even remotely cute.  Camille is probably saying to Kelsey, "Hey dickhead, I'm going to spend Christmas in Hawaii at YOUR house then when the weather shapes up I'm spending Easter in the Hamptons.  Oh yeah, and I'm bringing my new 6'4 250 pound black boyfriend and he's going to rail me on YOUR bed.".  Way to go, Kelsey.  You allowed probably the hottest chick you will ever get to slip away with half of your shit and now you're stuck with an elementary school looking broad who probably has never even went down on anything except a toilet after too many vodka, cranberry, and orange juices. 

I would slam seven shades of shit out of Camille.

Monday, December 27, 2010

That'a Boy, Hugh!!!


So Hugh Hefner is due to marry his 3rd wife now.  Myyyy man!!! God damn this cat is smooth.  Look at Crystal Harris.  This chick could actually start wars if she wanted and Heff is just sitting there like, "Why I think I still got it.".  These two are an exact 60 years apart in age, also.  Does Hugh even still get it up?  I'm 24 years old and I love staying out until the wee hours getting hammered drunk, usually trying to stand up straight, and watching my lame ass buddies try and pull in snatch.  I can't really see Hugh trolling the bars at 2 in the morning just itching to get back to the pad and lay some pipe.  Good work anyway, Grey Bush.

Kelsey Grammer Wants Quickie Divorce To Remarry

Kelsey Grammer Is an Idiot


http://www.tmz.com/2010/12/27/kelsey-grammer-quickie-divorce-re-marry-camille-grammer-kayte-walsh-bifurcate/


Above is a link to TMZ's website that talks about Kelsey Grammer wanting to get rid of his divorce with Camille Grammer done faster so he can marry his new chick, Kayte Walsh. I don't see what the rush is. Camille is obviously hotter but a little crazy. That Kayte chick doesn't even look remotely cute and kind of has that crazy, possessed look going in the picture provided by TMZ. I would drag this out a little just to see if Kayte really is all there in the head so he doesn't he have to do this run around for a second time with a third wife. Come to think of it-he better not. It's tough enough for me to get chicks to go on second dates let alone wanting to marry me. This greedy son of a bitch should quit his bitching and be glad he is probably getting felated whenever he wants and here I am barely getting my balls tickled.

An Inked Deal

Finally!!! It has happened.  Terrelle Pryor finally got involved in an improper benefits scandal.  Once I saw that TP was going to be a Buckeye I just asked myself, "When will this blue chip fuck up and get caught receiving some cash?".  They all do it.  I am convinced they are all getting paid.  There is just too much money being made by the school and every school has alumni that doesn't care what it will take or cost but they WILL take care of theirs.  It took a little longer than expected, though.  I thought he would've  been busted taking something before his sophomore year.  It's not to say that he didn't, he just didn't get caught until now. 

What I don't get is why out of all the ammenities he probably had access to, why the fuck would Pryor along with the other culprits take free tattoos in exchange for autographed memorbilia?  I mean he couldn't land an ipad or an Armani suit or somthing?  I mean free ink?  That's pretty ridiculous right there.  I bet it was something lame like a football with flames following it with the script "Big Dawg Quarterback" or something stupid like that.  According to the New York Daily News, Terrelle Pryor and Co. didn't know they were in violation of any rules when they sold the merchandise to the tattoo parlor.  Oh, kind of how Cam Newton wasn't aware that his dad was soliciting his son's services for $200k?

The New York Daily News then proceeds to report that these players are permitted to play in the Sugar Bowl because they weren't aware of any violations being done.  Fucking NCAA.  Just bending the rules so they can make their money.  Everyone knows that Bowl game would be a joke if Ohio State played Arkansas with 4 of their top offensive players out of the game.  I don't even know who that fucking Solomon whatever his last name is, but Terrelle Pryor, Devier Posey, Mike Adams, and Boom Herron pretty much is their entire offense.  You take them away and put OSU against ANY SEC team and you're looking at a Varsity team playing a freshmen team.  Who would want to watch that?  Nobody.  Who would want to advertise during that game? Nobody.  Just another reason why these kids are being used as cash cows.  If you're going to make rules then enforce them for everyone.  Not just when it is convienient for your wallet. 

Newfound Hated

If there is anyone I could punt in the tits right now it would have to be Jets head coach Rex Ryan.  This fat shit never tells it how it is.  He won't ever admit when he is wrong, and he is a perverted knob that loves sucking toes.  After his team gets beaten by the Chicago Bears he claims he's going to rest Mark Sanchez because the beaner (I don't hate all Mexicans, just Sanchez) has a sore shoulder.  Just admit it, Rex.  You're "franchise quarterback" sucks and he doesn't want to risk losing to one of the worst teams in the league in the Buffalo Bills. 

I'm pretty disappointed, too.  I actually loved Rex's passion he showed during HBO's "Hard Knocks" when he was convinced he had the best team in the entire NFL.  Then the season actually started and he was reminded of another quarterback in his division named Tom Brady.  You might have heard of him, he has a phenomenal flow atop his head, is banging a super model and has 3 rings to his name.  His squad started tanking towards the end of the season, allegations of his having a foot fetish surfaced, and his QB is playing like shit, errrrr I mean he's got a sore shoulder.  Now he's trying to act all humble because he just snuck into the playoffs and he pretty much has a bye the final week of the regular season.  Maybe if Rexy just treated his tounge like a Krispy Kreme and swallowed it before the Regular Season started then he would be more admired and his team wouldn't be looked at as a bunch of cocky, overpaid, arrogant douche bags that play when they want to and harrass smoking hot sideline reporters. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Mo Money Mo Problems

YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!  That's right, bitches, your Tuna has returned.  I know it has been too long but I am back to fill your virgin minds with meaningless and irrelevant information/smut that will either make you laugh or absolutely hate my guts.  Let's kick this shit off.

It is that time of the year and I am not talking Christmas, Hanakuh, Kwanza, or whatever other consumer driven holiday your religion might celebrate.  I'm talking College Football Bowl season.  I get so excited when this time of year comes around.  I'm like a little kid who just saw his penis become erect for the first time.  THAT excited.  But before I start blowing my load all over the tv for the next 3 weeks or so we need to tackle one issue that I have had with this College football season.  That issue stands at 6'6 and weighs roughly 245 pounds.  That issue would be Auburn quarterback, Cam Newton. 
This Saturday is the presentation of the most prestigious award in all of College Football, the Heisman Trophy.  Yeah yeah yeah, I know.  Cam Newton put the Auburn Tigers on his back and has single handedly led them to the #1 ranking and a chance to play for the National Championship in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.  The kid is arguably the best athlete in the country.  What chaps my ass though is how corrupt the NCAA has become the past decade.  Cam Newton's father, Cecil Newton, has been accused of soliciting his son's talents to colleges when he was playing in Junior College a year ago.  Cam had his mind set on transferring to Mississippi State but reneged on his decision because his father was receiving payment, allegedly, from another institution.  Cam ended up at Auburn, tore shit up, and naturally started being accused of these violations. 

Before all of these allegations surfaced, I thought Cam Newton was the best player in College football and I firmly believed he was winning the Heisman.  Aside from Andrew Luck, who I believe is the true Heisman winner now, no one was even close in the running.  The NCAA conducted their investigation and came to the verdict that Cam Newton was ineligible to play the week leading up to the SEC Championship game.  As we all expected, Auburn appealed the decision and Cam Newton was then declared eligible to play against The University of South Carolina.  The NCAA's reasoning behind their change of mind was that Cam Newton wasn't aware that his father was shopping his services to schools.  What a hot crock of shit.  The NCAA pretty much chubby whacked America and College football in the face by saying this.  In an earlier report, a representative from Mississippi State claimed that after Cam Newton made his decision to attend Auburn, he called Miss State and apologized saying he couldn't turn down the Tigers because "The money was too much".  WHAM!  Yep, that was the NCAA's crank leveling you right in the jaw. 

What I don't understand is after the whole Reggie Bush scandal at USC, how does the NCAA and Heisman voters even consider a candidate who comes with all of this baggage?  Look at Stanford quarterback, Andrew Luck.  He has taken a program that was pretty much in College football pergatory and brought them back to prominence.  Andrew Luck is so far, the projected #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.  In my opinion, this cat is the next elite NFL quarterback.  Aside from tearing it up on the gridiron, Luck is excelling in the classroom and serving as a model citizen.  He is everything, in my opinion, the Heisman Trophy should embody.  So one should ask, "What is College football turning into?  Is it an amateur sport or is it slowly becoming one of the largest businesses in the country?".  I would have to say a little bit of both.  If you look at it closely, people are making lots of money off of these amateur athletes (Schools, apparel companies, Cecil Newton, etc.).  I don't have any problem with a person trying to make a buck.  My problem is if all of these schools are making all this money then why can't the players get a taste of some of that cheddar?  Oh because they are getting a free education?  That is bullshit.  I hardly consider Matt Leinart's Basket Weaving 101 course at USC an education.  I mean these coaches who are bringing in these stud players and winning conference championships and Bowl championships are getting significant pay raises.  Why not pay the players that are contributing to this winning?

I am all for a kid going to school and receiving a proper education if they are on scholarship.  But you can't sit here and say that is what really is happening at some of these schools.  Don't get me wrong, some of these student athletes are doing it the proper way (Andrew Luck).  They are taking on a full schedule of legit college courses all while attending practice and then studying not only their playbook but also their text books.  But when you have guys Reggie Bush, Cam Newton, and other blue chip players who are killing 3 years of time while they wait for their first year of pro eligibility to kick in, it just isn't fair for the ones who are taking advantage of their opportunity at hand. 
Your soon-to-be Heisman Trophy Winner's mugshot

Disclaimer:  For anyone who thinks I am going against my journalistic intergrity by writing in favor of Andrew Luck and knocking on Cam Newton, you all are wrong.  I'm a fucking blogger, I wouldn't know journalistic integrity if it took a running start and kicked me square in my ball bag. 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Say Hello to the Bad Guy

With all these "divas" in sports making career changing decisions, all these new stories, er I mean allegations are surfacing that make these stars look like dickheads.  And as bad as it might sound, I love it. 

Age before talent so let's start with good ole' number 4.  Yes, I'm talking about Brett Favre, the old gun slinger.  According to deadspin.com, back when Grandpa Favre was with the New York Jets, he got to know the Jets' sideline reporter, Jenn Sterger.  Jenn Sterger got her claim to fame when she was at a Florida State football game looking hot as hell and then parlayed that to instant internet fame.  Once that geriatric quarterback started taking snaps for the Green Machine, he started snapping pictures of his crank and sending them to Ms. Sterger.  Aside from pictures of the little gun slinger, #4 also snapped photos of himself tugging himself wearing nothing but a pair of Crocks and a wristwatch.  Coincidentally this was the same watch he wore in his retirement ceremony/press conference.  Other than being an indecisive diva, Brett Favre is now dubbed as a perverted old man who wears Crocks.  The part of this story that really cracks me up is the fact that Brett Lorenzo was watching the Super Bowl at his Mississippi home with none other but good ole' Cheetah Woods.  Now I'm not giving the verdict on this one but I am saying something my parents told me all throughout high school when I was getting in trouble.  "You might not have done anything wrong but you are guilty by association.".  Thanks, Mom and Dad. 

Even though I would not like to talk about that Benedict Arnold known as Lebron James, he unfortunately ties into this post.  Allegedly, Lebron was approached by the Tao nightclub in the Venetian casino in Vegas to be the spokesperson for a party.  Ok, an NBA superstar with a shit ton of money partying in Vegas?  Yeah, he's really going to stay out of trouble.  Lebron allegedly while in Vegas was acting like his cocky self, shadow dribbling a basketball through the casino, making absurd requests for panty-less women swinging from the ceiling, and flicking off reporters from his "beloved" hometown of Akron.  Aside from Lebron's Vegas getaway, I have also been informed from my sources that the whole Delonte/Gloria James rumor is a little fabricated.  According to my inside sources, Delonte never slept with Gloria James.  The story I was told was that Lebron initially stuffed Delonte's girlfriend.  Delonte found out so he proceeded to go ahead and sting Lebron's girlfriend.  Woops, I'm sorry.  I don't mean Lebron's official girlfriend, Savannah.  I'm talking about one of Lebron's side girlfriends that he was doing.  Allegedly, after Delonte stung Lebron's side piece of ass, he then put her on the floor for game 5 of the Celtics series.  Confused yet?  Basically, Lebron went after Delonte's chick so Delonte wanted to indirectly say "fuck you" to Lebron by not only tagging one of his girls but then sticking her courtside in a crucial playoff game.  I don't know about you but Delonte is slowly becoming my favorite player in the NBA even though his actions may or may not have caused the Cavs to not make it to the Finals this year.   

So with all these "icons" consistently fucking up and destroying their former squeeky clean images, who does the youth of America turn to for admirtation and guidance?  That is what I find to be comical when guys like David Stern stick up for Lebron when Dan Gilbert grilled him in a letter after he left.  Nothing was untrue in that letter he addressed to the people of Cleveland.  Dan Gilbert is more of a role model than Lebron James is.  Nothing was wrong when the Green Bay Packers' front office decided to let go of Favre.  They were doing what was right for their franchise.  They wanted the face of their franchise to project positive publicity and certainty to their fans.  They weren't going to put up with a diva who, as of lately, takes pictures of his hang down while wearing Crocks and sends them to hot sideline reporters (Allegedly).  What the public needs to realize is that even though an individual is talented on the playing field, they can be a complete schlupp in real life situations.  They think because they can throw a ball 60 yards or score 50 points a night they are above the rules and authority will overlook what they did in real life settings.  No athlete is bigger than the team they are on and they are certainly not bigger than the real role models in our world.  So say good bye to your former icons and hello to the new bad guys. 



Fuck Lebron.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Show Me The Money

One of the few things I will never understand in the NFL is how all these top draft picks are getting paid obscene amounts of money before they even take a professional snap.  With training camps beginning and all of these players signing their rookie contracts, I am blown away by the kind of jack these franchises are dishing out to these kids. 

Take Sam Bradford for example.  The former Oklahoma Sooner just inked an $80 million deal over 6 years with $50 million of that guaranteed.  Dude can blow his knee out tomorrow, never play a down in the NFL, and crutch his gimp ass all the way to the bank.  Sam Bradford did win a Heisman trophy and was the starting quarterback on a perennial national championship contender the past 1 1/2 years.  I say 1/2 because he got injured half way through the season.  He has a surgically repaired shoulder that can go at any given sack he takes.  On the other hand, Sam Bradford could light it up his rookie season, lead the pathetic excuse for a franchise known as the St. Louis Rams to the playoffs, and earn Offensive Rookie of the Year.  Sam Bradford could go on and have a Peyton Manning career with 5 MVP's, a few Super Bowl rings, and a super-model wife (ok, that's a little more Tom Brady than Manning but fuck Michigan).  Just because he torched college teams for 400 passing yards and 3 touchdowns back in school doesn't mean he can do that against professional defensive backs.  History also can speak loudly about the first overall pick being used on quarterbacks.  What's Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, and Jamarcus Russell doing right now besides counting their whopping signing bonuses?

What's funny about these rookies getting paid is the fact that you have all these veterans who are holding out of training camp because they want a new deal.  These players feel they have outplayed their rookie deals and decide to hold out from their team's training camp.  Seventh overall pick Joe Haden just signed his 5 year $50 million contract with $26 million of that guaranteed.  Before the weekend, Nnamdi Asomugha was the highest paid cornerback in the league.  Now, $50 million later, Joe Haden can hold that title.  Without even taking an NFL snap.  Derrelle Revis who was drafted in 2007 by the New York Jets at number 14 signed a rookie deal of $30 million with $11 million of that guaranteed over 6 years.  Now, Joe Haden was picked at number 7 and the rookie pay scale is gradually increasing every year but the Browns' rookie is almost making double of what Revis signed for.  Revis has only played 3 seasons in the pros but he has shown that he will be a stud in this league for the next 5-8 years.  Joe Haden started playing cornerback in college.  Haden was a high school quarterback so he is still learning the position.  Joe Haden was such a freak of an athlete that he was bound to tear it up in college.  College teams win because they usually possess players with speed and an abundance of athleticism.  That doesn't work in the pros.  You need football players if you're trying to win on the professional level.  You need a smart player who understands every aspect of the game.  I'm not writing off Joe Haden but you need the kid to step in and start playing right away, not learn the position.  That is where all of Revis' leverage should be coming from when he meets with General Manager Mike Tannenbaum.  He should say, "Look, this scrub just got $50 million before even taking an NFL snap.  I am an All-Pro and many experts call me the best corner in the game.  Fuck you, pay me.".  Or something along those lines. 

Lastly, do not be shocked when you see these rookies getting into a little bit of trouble.  If you were 21 or 22 and just signed a contract for millions of dollars and probably making a few more mil in endorsements, would you be having a little fun?  Yeah, me too.  I would be on the first thing smoking to Vegas, shack up in Villa, hit every club, gamble my Gatorade endorsement away, and drink my face off.  I'm talking hookers, yachts, choppers, Phantoms all on the regular.  These kids see all those zeroes on their deal and they feel like they're the king.  After they scratch their agent a commish check they are going straight to the Mercedes dealer and picking up the new S 550 and throwing some D's on that bitch.  So a message to all of these GM's, show your playmakers the money. 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Nice Guys Don't Finish At All

I am well aware that being inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is a very prestigous honor that should be awarded to players who accomplish greatly on the football field.  What about off the field?  Could a football player be eligible because of his character and accomplishments off the field?

After the attacks of 9/11, Patrick Tillman who was playing safety for the Arizona Cardinals retired from the game of football, leaving a lucrative career, to enlist in the Army Rangers.  Patrick Tillman served from 2002 to 2004 due to his death in Afghanistan.  Patrick Tillman was picked 226th by the Arizona Cardinals in the 1998 NFL draft and played 4 seasons before enlisting.  The question here is, Should Pat Tillman be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame?  Here you have a selfless man who turned down millions of dollars to serve his country only to have his life ended at 27 years young.  The man only played 4 seasons in the NFL but can you imagine if he would've played 10? 12? Maybe even 15?  He was the 226th pick and started 10 out of 16 games his rookie season.  Tillman finished his career with 238 tackles, 2.5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 3 forced fumbles, 3 fumble recoveries, and 2 pass deflections in 60 career games.  Not impressive numbers but impressive for a guy who earned the last scholarship available from Arizona State then later being named the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year his senior year. 

I don't want to take anything away from any of the players who are currently in the HOF but some of the current inductees are straight assholes.  Lawrence Taylor is arguably the best outside linebacker to ever play the game.  Lawrence Taylor is also arguably one of the biggest coke fiends to ever play the game as well.  Oh yeah and the guy just got pinched for trying to order a hooker who just so happened to be 16 years old.  Because he was an animal on the field does that mean we should overlook his character off the field?  Michael Irvin was a freak at wide receiver but was also a vital piece to a sex crazed, drug addicted team that was notorious for their shenanigans off the field.  Because they were winning Super Bowls is that a reason to look the other way when they get busted having open coke buffet parties?

This has got to be one of the reasons you see these college athletes getting in trouble so much off the field.  They have been bred to think that because they can throw, catch, or tackle well, they are virtually invincible to getting reprimanded for their negative actions.  Then you have good citizens who are good athletes, not great, but good and they don't get the recognition they deserve. 

I'm not saying that a player should not be allowed to be inducted into the Hall of Fame because they got into trouble off the field.  All I'm saying is a guy like Pat Tillman who performed such a noble act off the field for the sake of others should be recognized by awarding him with the highest honor in the third love of his life.  Because as we all can see, Patrick Tillman loved his country and his family more than the game of football.    

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Gentlemen, Pick Your Poison

So after brainstorming with my half attorney, you know who you are, I have decided to enlighten the public on the different types of skanks you can encounter when you go out.  Skanks are like animals.  For every region, you will find different breeds.  For example, Downtown Cleveland will have the low self-esteem skanks who have dollar signs in their eyes and barely anything covering up their asses.  These girls cake the makeup on and are so concerned on how they look.  You have the Lakewood/West Park region that has, what I like to call, "Drinking Tomboys".  These girls just love drinking their faces off, falling over themselves, and sometimes you'll be able to see one puking on Detroit road.  These girls are fun to hang out with because they like to party and usually aren't stuck up little bitches like the sklizzies you see roaming the sidewalks of West 6th.  You finally have everything west of Lakewood.  These are where the cougars will fall into place.  Now if you have read previous postings on this blog then I do not have to go into what constitutes a cougar. 

Let's start Downtown.  Don't get me wrong, I love half naked girls.  I mean what straight guy doesn't?  It's so funny going downtown and seeing the superficial, low-rent, wanna-be Kim Kardashian trash that litters the bars down there.  It's a sad thing because there are some quality establishments in Downtown Cleveland that can allow the people of Cleveland to enjoy their Saturday nights.  I'm not saying every girl that goes Downtown is a skank, just the ones who aren't a street walker are usually the black sheep.  Watching these throw-a-aways running around down on West 6th with their 6 inch heels, half a mini skirt, and what looks to be a tank top is rather comical.  I mean they are tripping over themselves and usually (depending on the weather) are freezing their asses off due to their lack of clothing.  And with these skanks comes the rif raf.  You have these either guys who think they are platinum selling rap artists or Jersey Shore wanna be schlupps.  These tools are more pathetic than these hoes because they are falling over themselves only so they can buy them a drink.  The funny thing is, everyone knows that's as far they're going to get with these sklizzes.  That's the only thing these little skanks are good at it is being seen by all the West 6th tools only so they can receive a free skyy and cranberry. 

Now let's travel west to the Lakewood/West Park area.  Sometimes you will have the overflow from Downtown but usually you get a pretty solid roster of girls in Lakewood.  These girls usually travel in packs sometimes a couple guys who love fighting.  That's what's so ironic about the Lakewood/West Park bars.  You can find a girl who is pretty cute, not a bitch but usually being escorted around by a roid raging Brock Lesnar wanna be.  What's funny about some of these girls is they are pretty much closet sluts, no one knows they love to give it up.  These girls actually dress like they have some self respect and for the most part they do but once you get them feeling a silly, you can take it to the bank.  The bad thing about these girls is they are usually outnumbered by guys.  And every guy in the Lakewood/West Park area is looking to tag one so it pretty much only down to the strongest survives.  These are pretty much the girls, out of all 3 of my categories, the ones you would most likely take home to mom.  The Downtown skanks are the ones Dad would probably want you to bring home. 

Last but not least, my favorite.  Yes, I am talking about the cougars.  You could almost say I like watching the cougars more than anything else.  These magnificent creatures can be found prowling the higher end bars west of Lakewood and sometimes at the typical west side bars.  That's the beautiful thing about cougars.  They have this shit down to science.  If they want the old bull, they'll hit Salmon Dave's, Wine Bar, and one of the many establishments at beautiful Crocker Park.  If a cougar wants some of the young calf, you can find them trolling the patio at Panini's.  A cougar knows exactly what she wants and it's evident in how they carry themselves when they are out.  Cougars will sit at a bar in a way like they know they are a cougar and every guy, no matter what age, is constantly checking them out.  This could be why younger guys all want to bag at least one cougar in their lifetime.  Guys will go out thinking they can land one and think they're the ones in charge when that is far from the truth.  When a cougar gets her hands on a young cub, you better believe that it's her way or the highway.  So fellas, don't be shy, give it a try.

I don't know what every guy's preference might be.  Maybe none of your preferences were listed above but this is how it is broken down in any city, state, or part of the world for that matter.  I can only comment on Cleveland because that is the city I have the most experience and research gathered from.  I am sure there are other types of skanks out there, hell there could be divisions within each breed that I could get into.  I just wanted to lay the groundwork for you gentlemen and hopefully you can take it and run with it.  Good luck.  

Monday, July 19, 2010

What A Girl Wants

This is not much of a post containing my view.  I will throw my take into this but this is more research than anything. 

Now, I read many of the articles that Men's Health usually has on their website.  I recently read one that had many different kinds of positions to have sex in.  Some I have heard of (done) before, sorry Mom.  Some were a little new to me.  I'm not saying I won't try them only because I feel it is my duty as a blogger to blog about subjects I am knowledgeable in.  I mean you wouldn't want marriage advice from Tiger Woods, would you?

Is it true women like it rough?  Don't get me wrong, I like it when a woman can get into it and show a little emotion.  I like when a girl isn't afraid to talk to me while she's in the act. I don't mind if a girl feels she needs to give me a little bite on the ear, that'll happen. So now I'm asking you, ladies. What do you like?


Do women have the same fantasies as men? Say you're on a plane, do you look at the passenger next to you and say, "Wow, the things I would do to get naked with her in that 3x3 bathroom back there.". Do women have fantasies of hooking up with doctors or male nurses like men have of a woman wearing a nurse outfit? I mean I understand the whole "cabana boy" type of fantasy women have because like the whole being waited on thing so what would be better than a shirtless dude serving them cocktails and then fulfilling every dirty fantasy they might be thinking at the time? If you have seen the movie "Wedding Crashers", are women really like the mom where she wants to be called "Kitty Cat"? As women get older, is all they want is a younger guy who won't be afraid to feel their cans? Because I can tell you right now, men love a good cougar.


Now for those who have read my one post regarding cougars and hyenas, i think the men can agree that a good cougar is something that should be celebrated and applauded when you see one. Now, I would never marry a woman who was 20 years older than me, I just don't think a man and a woman with a 20 year age difference would not have enough chemistry where they could have a legitamite, healthy relationship. It would all be based around sex. A) The guy will have sex with her whenever she wants because well, let's face it, no guy is going to turn down sex if it is being thrown at him. B) Do you honestly think a woman in her late 40's or early 50's could put up with someone like, let's see, me? That's what I thought. But do women really just start getting on hot and bothered over younger guys because they know the guy won't throw his back out while he's crushing it?  I mean why would an older woman want to hook up with a guy who goes out with his boys, drinks like a viking, and then usually will do something that will throw away any morals he might have had right out the window?  I mean is that what cougars are really looking for in a cub? 

So I am sorry if this entry was not as entertaining but this was extensive research that I am conducting for pretty much no reason, I'm just a perv. But please, ladies feel free to comment, put your take in, let your voice be heard. You can say what women really want, what you may want, or you can just call me a little perv for putting this up. Because the beautful thing is that this is Big Tuna's Catch of the Day so I can be as perverted as I want. And if women want a perv then stay tuned because I'm sure my blog will not disappoint.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Entertaining Television Outside of the Television

I love "The Hills" on MTV.  Not for the actual show but for the news, drama, and pretty much all the bullshit that comes with it outside of it's nightly time slot. 

I go on Yahoo! everyday to try and catch up on some news and usually learn some useless knowledge like which city is the manliest city in America (which would obviously be Bay Village with whichever city Chuck Norris resides in coming in a close second.).  Seeing that today is the season finale of "The Hills", there has been articles and stories about Spencer Pratt allegedly planning to crash the party being held at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel for the premiere of the episode.  Personally, I think this would be awesome because I see this guy to be the biggest douche bag in America next to Lebron James and you have to know that there is going to be more security there then a White House dinner party.  Hmmmm, maybe his chances are pretty good of crashing this thing then.  Anyways, this knob's picture is going to be at every entrance more than a skank's picture floating around at every entrance at The Masters.  There is no way he is crashing this thing and if he does, haha let's just say I want to see the kind of fight he puts up.   

But that's the thing.  That story about Spencer Pratt planning to crash this party and advertising his agenda over his Twitter account is more entertaining than the actual show he was kicked off of.  I mean the guy got kicked off the show for threatening to kill a female producer.  Who wants to argue that seeing which one of the million guys that stuffed Kristen and ended up leaving her for another slut is more entertaining than reading about psycho ass Spencer Pratt threatening to slit a producer's throat?  That's what I thought, no one.  I mean, you have to almost watch the show to get somewhat of a background story for the news outside of the show.  I mean if I would have never known that Spencer fell off the reservation, if I didn't see an episode where he was playing with "magical crystals" in the middle of a club then almost gets in a brawl with Brody Jenner and starts crying I probably would have never believed any of this.  So then you hear that he threatens to kill a producer and your only reaction is "Finally, mother fucker.".

I just love how you get these fans of the show who actually believe that this is what really happens.  They think that these "celebrities" are just living their lives without any influence of a camera being in front of them 24/7.  There was a special on MTV that actually revealed a bunch of the secrets to these shows.  Secrets like the producers trying to time when one of the cast members would arrive at a certain place because their ex-boyfriend was seen sucking on another girl's fingers at the bar or some bull shit like that.  People, this is not reality!  Don't get me wrong I love when the cast members get in a little scuffle and bitches start pulling hair and clawing at eachother but how many times does that happen?  Once or twice per season if that?  You have to watch the shows so you can stay somewhat informed with the drama going down off the camera.  Shit like Kristen Cavallari gets busted with an 8ball of coke all while giving some 45 year old a hand jibber WHILE driving drunk down Santa Monica Boulevard.  Now that's entertainment.  The producers need to cut the fat off the show and start airing some of the good shit.  I would love to just log onto Yahoo! tomorrow and the first story I see is "Lauren Conrad gets busted at the Roosevelt having a 5 some with the San Diego Chargers' offensive line all while cooking crystal meth in the bathroom."  Wow, imagine how much the ratings would sky rocket after that if they wanted to film another season. 

All I'm saying is that if they are going to call this reality television then start filming what really goes on in reality.  I mean the good stuff.  I don't care if Brody was seen at a club with some skank's hands down his pants in front of Kristen.  Don't get me wrong.  That's sweet but I can go down to West 6th and see that if I really wanted.  I want to see these "celebrities" do stupid shit and get busted while doing it.  They have been dubbed stars when really they are just a bunch of puppets for these cheesy producers to toy with.  So MTV producers, if you can start showing the "real" entertainment instead of this fabricated nonsense then I'm sure all of America will be thankful.  Oh yeah, and try and set up Spencer Pratt to get his ass whooped by like 5 security guards during your season finale.  Thanks.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Powerhouse or Outhouse?

I have been told that I need to post an entry that has nothing to do with sports but with all the hype leading up to "The Decision" I felt that it was responsibility to put in my 2 cents. 

Now we all know that Chris Bosh has already publicly announced his decision earlier this week to team up with Dwayne Wade and form what should be a significantly better basketball team.  Now with all the rumors surrounding Lebron's decision of going to Miami, the media is already dubbing Miami as an All-Star team.  A powerhouse if you will.  As of right now, the Miami Heat have Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasely on their roster.  That's it!  Wade and Bosh aren't officially signed and Pat Riley cleared all his players out to clear cap room or they are all unsigned free agents.  You think if Lebron decides to go to Miami, Udonis Haslem will get re-signed?  I didn't think so.  In order for all three of these big names to receive max contracts, Beasely has got to hit the bricks, too.  Mario Chalmers is nowhere near the caliber point guard needed to run an offense loaded with Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh.  He's out of there.  Now what?

Don't get me wrong, Lebron, Wade, and Bosh would be a coach's, owner's, and pretty much a whole city's wet dream if they all teamed up.  The thing is, you have to pay them like superstars.  Personally, I do not agree with labeling Chris Bosh a superstar.  Let's break down his resume real quick.  7 years as a pro.  11 career playoff games.  Never has gotten out of the first round.  Chris Bosh's only big game he has played in was on the 2008 Olympic team when they won the gold medal.  Superstars are athletes who can be surrounded by mediocre, good players and make them great players.  Superstars, in my opinion are players like Lebron, Wade, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and Dwight Howard.  Toronto essentially had a JV squad and Chris Bosh was that Senior who is good but not good enough to play Varsity.  Chris Bosh is an All-Star but not a superstar. 

Let's fast forward to July 9th.  Lebron has announced that he will be signing with the Miami Heat and it is now Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh.  Michael Beasley is traded to the Charlotte Bobcats and Mario Chalmers was shipped out to Portland. Ok, now Pat Riley has 9 roster spots to fill with virtually no money. Word is, Pat Riley was working out a couple players from Lorain County Community College after he made his pitch to Lebron. After all, once he breaks the bank on his 3 (2 in my opinion) superstars, he will only be able to afford scrub players. This is exactly why this "dynasty" talk needs to come to a halt. Let's say Lebron goes down with a torn ACL, you have Wade and Bosh as your offense. Bosh pulls down 10 boards a night and can't bang in the paint with the likes of Dwight Howard. Wade can't carry all the work load, especially with his history of injuries. You now have 9 minimum salary players going against real pros. That my friends is a recipe for disaster.

So before Cleveland fans get all down and upset about your alleged "Savior" or "King" leaving the beaches of Lake Erie for South Beach, just remember that the grass might not always be greener on the other side.  The Cleveland Cavaliers is still a great franchise with a great owner.  Dan Gilbert is a loyal guy and he won't get up and sell the team just becuase his prized player ditched him.  In my mind, this will only be a motivator to build a championship team and we all know he will spend whatever it takes to do that.  So if at 10:01 tonight, Lebron James is on his way to Miami to sign his $100 million dollar contract, don't be discouraged Cleveland because that isn't Lake Erie you're smelling, it will be the outhouse Pat Riley just built down in Miami.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Lebron's Collegiate Education

With the recent news that Michigan State coach Tom Izzo will be staying put, this made me think a little.  Now, I don't usually think, it isn't one of my strong suits, I try to stray away from it.  But with everything that came up regarding the recruitment of Tom Izzo, I have come to the conclusion that Lebron James will be a Cleveland Cavalier for his entire NBA career.  If Lebron stays true to everything he has ever said and doesn't want to be the most hated man in Cleveland, he will stay in C-town. 

You have to look at this a few different ways.  Tom Izzo is one of the greatest coaches to ever coach the game of basketball.  Every off season can pretty much be looked at as his free agency period.  Every year NBA franchises or Colleges are always coming up in the headlines as having interest in bringing Izzo in to coach their teams.  Now that Lebron's free agency is about 2 weeks away, all these different franchises are coming up as front runners for suitors who will be pitching for Lebron's services once free agency begins.  Izzo was being lured by offers consisting of pay raises, luxurious amenities, and endless resources to achieve a championship season.  Once Lebron hits the market, NBA franchises will be sending their private jets to scoop up the 25 year old superstar, take him to 5 star restaurants, and pretty much tell him that if he signs with them then the sky is the limit.

I won't lie. I thought Izzo was coaching the Cavs in the 2010-2011 season. If you offer me a job that would double my salary, give me an endless budget to use, and possibly the best player in the game, you're damn right I'm signing.  This is where Lebron could learn a little from Tom Izzo.  This man thought about it long and hard and realized that he was going to follow his heart.  His heart just happened to be in East Lansing coaching college basketball.  I will bet any money that Michigan State is now restructuring Izzo's contract to give him more money and pretty much anything the guy wants.  This also speaks volumes for future recruits for Michigan State.  A big problem in collegiate sports is recruits renegging on schools because a coach resigns or gets the can.  He pretty much assured that University that they have one of the best college coaches to ever coach the game on their bench for as long as he wants to continue his career.  After everything that was thrown at this guy, he still decided to stay at home and continue to win with the team he has been with for over 20 years.  Now, Lebron hasn't been with the Cavs for over 20 years but has been with Cleveland for over 20 years.  This is his home and the fans treat him like the hometown hero that he has been dubbed as.  He is going to see outrageous offers along with plans for Lebron that will win him a championship.  Lebron just has to do exactly what Tom Izzo did and that is follow his heart and he knows that it isn't anywhere but Cleveland.

 

Monday, June 14, 2010

Who's Your Caddy?

Spending the majority of my summers caddying at a country club, I had the opportunity to meet some fascinating people.  I will argue with anyone today that caddying is the best job on the face of the earth.  Other than the fact that you have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn during the summer, it really can not be beat.  You have to look at this in a few ways.  First, you're outside all day instead of stuck indoors flipping burgers.  Second, you get paid straight cash, you don't claim any of it.  Cold, hard cash, dollar bills, making it rain on hoes.  Bam, get some.  Third, the people you meet are some of the most interesting people you will ever meet.  Everyone from the older members to younger members, men to women, and douche bags to "legends". 

When a 13 year old kid first begins his caddying career, he really isn't sure what to expect.  You get thrown onto a golf course with minimal training and absolutely no people skills whatsoever.  You have these wealthy members of the club who can sometimes take their game too seriously (even though they suck worse than Hoover vacuum) and then take their frustration out on the first one they see.  That first one is 9 out of 10 times their caddy.  When I was 16, I had a member spas out because he played like absolute dog shit.  This jerk off claimed he played bad because his clubs were dirty.  Really, dude?  You're telling me you were 5 feet short on that birdie putt because you're clubs were dirty?  Sit on it, bro.  When little caddies would complain about douchey members, I would just encourage them that with every dick head, there are 3 to 4 good guys.  When I first started out, I caddied for an older member who was CEO of one of the larger companies in Cleveland.  This guy was the happiest guy you could ever meet but he was absolutely terrible at golf.  He didn't care.  He was just so happy to be out on the course shwappin away at the ball.  That is where the term "legend" comes into play.  "Legends" usually are members that everyone has caddied for at least once in their life and it was an enjoyable experience.  Now there are some "legends" who will only allow certain caddies to loop for them, but you don't see those until you put in your time.   

Caddying really begins to be beneficial as you get older.  When you get to be 17 or 18 you really start to see some characters out on the golf course.  I'm talking guys who are drinking like vikings, yelling obscenities, throwing clubs, talking about lewd sexual acts with women, and pretty much disregarding any social norms.  This is when caddying goes from being a job to entertainment.  Most people will say, "How can you carry someone else's golf clubs for 18 holes of golf in the hot sun?"  Well, it's simple.  I carry their bag, they feed me beer, I laugh at their lack of skills on the course, and they pay me lots of money.  In cash.  Most people look at caddies as modern day slaves to old rich guys.  That is the complete opposite.  These days, you see new country club members coming in and they are relatively young guys.  The "new money" members have slowly been taking over the country club scene.  These are the guys who will bring out a few of their boys, get all shnockered up, and then proceed to throw stupid jack at their loopers.  Next thing you know, it is 4 in the afternoon, you already put in a days work, and you have a slight buzz going.  Last time I checked, slaves didn't have to work in those kind of conditions. 

You gotta love the golf hoes, though.  I promised one member (you know who you are) that I would throw her and her girls in this.  Now, I never really enjoyed caddying for ladies.  They were bad golfers, had no etiquette, and usually just complained for the 5 1/2 hours you were out there with them.  There were a few individuals who were an exception.  You usually have women who usually play with their husbands and try to act like they are these extraordinary golfers and every round they play is like the qualifying round to get onto the LPGA tour.  Those bitches suck.  Then you have my favorite.  The women who are good golfers, who get hamboed on the course, and pretty much fuck with you the whole time you're out there.  These women are awesome because all they want to do is have a blast while they're playing golf and getting drunk.  So seeing that I don't usually caddy for women, I still had to give a shout out to my golf hoes.  You know who you are. 

I finally wanted to touch on "slappy".  For whoever knows who "golf guy" is then you already have a good idea on who "slappy" is.  For those who aren't hip to it, "slappy" is that dickhead member who thinks he is playing in the U.S. Open and he is sniffing the top of the leader board.  This genital itch is the most high maintenance man you will ever meet and he is always blaming a bad shot on something so irrelevant that it just makes him look more like a knob.  For example, "slappy" will hit a shot, take about 2 feet worth of turf, and then proceed to claim that someone 2 fairways over yelled "fore" in his backswing.  "Slappy" will then complain that he wanted his 7 iron in the same spot of his bag as his 4,5, and 6 instead of his 8, 9, and pitching wedge.  I can't just beat "slappy" down into the ground, though.  He does provide some comic relief to the round.  Like when he hooks one into the woods and then goes over his elaborate strategy to get out and put it on the green.  "Ok, Tuna.  If I hit my 7 iron then I can just lay up but that might be too much trajectory and I might clip that branch.  If I use my 5 iron, I can punch it out and hope that it stops right before that bunker therefore leaving me a nice flop shot to the pin.  OR I could use my 4 iron and cut it so it just lands on the green.  Whad'ya think?".  Well I think you suck at golf and I think your wife was staring at my crotch back before we teed off.  That's what I think, dickey.  And then once you get done with the round he has some off the wall request like make sure you put his 60 degree wedge in his wife's bag because she is playing in a couple days and she really enjoys using it.  Then take his demo driver he was using and exchange it at the pro shop for another one that he thinks he can hit better.  After his dumb ass request he then proceeds to hand you $42 and asks if you can caddy for him in a match over the weekend.  Right, dude.  I would rather be gang raped by a gaggle of silver back apes all while getting needles stuck into my crank.  But best of luck to you, anyways.  Now who's your caddy?      

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Oh That Was Your Girl? I Thought I Recognized Her

A good buddy of mine, we'll call him "Stitch", sent me a text this past weekend while he was on the driving range making fun of this guy who was giving his girlfriend a lesson.  This is great because there are many types of guys like this.  We'll call this one, "I'm Sweet Guy".  "I'm Sweet Guy" is that guy who sometimes is a boyfriend or just a guy trying to impress a girl he's with. This cracked me up because once "Stitch" told me this guy's girlfriend started ripping on him because he was shanking every shot, I immediately thought of "Golf Guy". You know, that guy who walks up to the first tee decked out in all new gear, thousand dollar irons, and just throwing around outrageous bets that everyone in the foursome knows he won't win. It's great because this guy thinks he is so sweet but his girlfriend is laughing at him and turning around giving you the "god my boyfriend sucks I want to come over there and show you my golf stroke, tuna" look. Once shankapotomus sees his girl become uninterested and gazing at other dudes, he puts his lesson to an abrupt halt, grabs his shit, and tells his girlfriend to hop in the car.  I guess he isn't one for competition. 



This next guy is a freaking joke.  I like to call this "Transparent Guy".  "Transparent Guy" is the dude you see out with a girl that is reaching to impress his date.  Perfect example.  I was at Regal Cinemas this weekend picking up a gift card and as I turn around to walk out, there is "Transparent Guy" with a date.  You can tell this was one of their first dates because:
A.  It was noon on a Sunday.
B.  This girl looked so uncomfortable with the whole situation.  Wandering aimlessly with her eyes, fidgeting her hands, and pretty much pacing back and forth. 
C.  When dude went to pay for the tickets, the cashier asked "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Less-Fortunate-Handiacapped Children's Fund."  (I don't really remember what the charity was.)  No joke, this guy looked at his date,like he was making sure she was paying attention, then says "Yeah, you can just keep the change." 

Now, I'm all about charity.  I believe if you are in a position to help someone then you should take full advantage of the opportunity.  I believe if someone like "Transparent Guy" tries to impress a first date by donating $2.50 to some charity that he has no real connection with, then he should get kicked in the mouth.  It doesn't stop at frivolous donations, though.

  Next time you're at a restaurant look for the couple that has "first date" written all over them.  The guy probably has a pastel colored shirt on, a lot of product holding up the lettuce, and he is drinking wine.  I like wine at special occassions but I would rather go with a cocktail or even a beer.  You can tell this guy just wants to go to the bar, line up 3 shots of whiskey or tequilla, slam them, and then hoot and holler and the first fine ass that passes him.  Men sometimes do that.  Bro, everyone in the place can tell you really want to get with that chick you're with.  Aside from you sucking down that vino, do you know how we all know you want to get the deed done?  Because we all do, too.  And by the looks of that dress your date is wearing, the feeling might be mutual. 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

But Daddy, I Want An Oompa Loompa NOW!!!

I can not believe I am actually going to post this on my blog but I can't bite my tounge any longer.  I used to be one of the biggest Lebron James supporters.  Not only because I am from Cleveland but because I truly thought Lebron was, hands down, one of the most physically gifted as well as professional athletes I have ever seen.  Just the way Lebron could close a game whenever he wanted and then talk to the media like he was a 10 year veteran.  Ever since he was a junior at St. Vincent St. Mary, he has been in the public eye and has handled it better than any professional athlete I have ever seen.  I mean, the media has tried to dig out some dirt on him but the most they have found was a couple throw back jerseys he accepted in high school and him doing 150 mph on the highway, sober.  There really is no legitamite reason why anyone can hate on this kid.  Is there?

Now, I can understand when Lebron doesn't play well and can admit to it by saying he usually doesn't play that way and there are times he doesn't bring his "A" game. No one's perfect.  The thing I can not seem to swallow is how when he plays like shit and then proceeds to say his fans, from his hometown, they have been spoiled by his play.  Really, LeBacle?  And that is what I am calling him after his god awful performance he displayed in Game 5.  Have we really been spoiled the past 7 years you have played for the Cavs?  I wasn't aware how fortunate we were to watch your under achieving ass get swept from the Finals back in '07.  You really shouldn't of.  I mean last year when you got clowned out of the Eastern Conference Finals was one of the more sincere gifts I have ever received.  Let me ask you something, "King" James.  Was that just charity when you let that kid from Xavier dunk on your ass at your own camp?  Did you let David Kalb (who?) school you at Venice Beach a couple years back?  And I don't want to hear, "Oh Lebron wasn't trying, he didn't want to get hurt.  He let those dudes do that.".  Well the way I see it, that kid from Xavier damn near broke his ankles. 

It's just funny how Lebron can call any Cleveland fan "spoiled".  How many times has a Cleveland team had the carpet ripped out from under them then pounced on and had their hearts ripped out?  I never heard Bernie Kosar come out and say he spoiled us when John Elway drove the field and ripped our shot at a Super Bowl away from us.  Nobody heard Jose Mesa come out in after the '97 World Series and say we were spoiled.  You then have the nerve to come out and say Cleveland fans should be confident the Cavs will win Game 6 and 7 because they have you.  You just tore into Cleveland fan and now you're saying they should be confident in you.  How the hell can your fans be confident in you when you just performed one of the biggest choke jobs in arguably the biggest game of your career?  I just don't see it.  I can see maybe if you would've pulled a "Tim Tebow" and said we won't see anyone work harder in the NBA Playoffs than you followed by a "God Bless".  Cleveland fan would have eaten that up.  Instead, you had to put it on us saying we were spoiled.  I will leave it at this because, unlike many Clevelanders, I still have faith the CAVS can still win this series, not just Lebron.  I wouldn't want to look too spoiled or anything. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

You Were Voted Number 1 and I Didn't Like It

So I sign onto Yahoo today and find out that the new Top 100 Hottest was posted on Maxim.com.  I mean there are few times when I get so excited so early in the morning.  This was one of those times.  So for the next 15 minutes or so, my eyes were honed in on the screen and I was just basking in the beauty that laid before my eyes.  Everyone from Chelsea Handler to Hilary Duff, Kelly Ripa to Kim Kardashian.  It was truely magnificent.  So as I was ending my deposits into my spank bank, I came down to the number 1 hottie on Maxim's 100 Hotties list.  Who else, none other than.....Katie Perry?  Really, Maxim? 

Now, I'm aware that there are certain components that will determine these rankings.  Some of these go beyond just a pretty face, nice ass, and perfectly sculpted fun bags.  Some of these might include, current accomplishments, recent come-backs, or certain affiliations.  For example, Chanel from Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory was 98 on the list.  Chanel is a cute girl.  But, if you read the caption that is next to the picture, she is known for her thong shot she delivered on an episode of Fantasy Factory.  Like I said, recent accomplishments.  Christina Aguilera came in at a shocking 18 on the list but her position was justified by her recent album she released with a "different sound" (I wouldn't tell Christina to justify any position she was in, that's just me).  Then you have the upset at number 1 with Katie Perry.  Don't get me wrong, Katie Perry is smoking hot but there is a bold line that seperates "smoking hot" and "Maxim's Hot 100 #1 hot".  Sorry Katie, but I don't think I can put you past smoking hot.  I would have to say that the only reason she made it to "smoking hot" is because she kissed a girl and she liked it.  If she never did that, I would have to drop the smoking and just leave her at hot. 

I am no expert by any means and some of you might agree that Katie Perry is as hot as the media portrays her to be.  But you also have to agree that she is no number 1 on one of the most prestigous lists going right now in any world wide publication.  I can name a dozen of the hotties that contributed to this list that, in my mind, should sit on the top.  Not even judging based on looks, but also their recent accomplishments or current come-backs.  I feel affiliations should not really factor into one's final decision for this list (Sorry, Chanel).  But like I said, this isn't a knock on Katie Perry, I just do not agree with the final decision for Maxim's Hott 100.  I'm sorry, Katie but you were voted number 1 and I did not like it. 

Monday, May 10, 2010

Position A

What cracks me up when I go out is the amount of horn ball dudes who are always trying to spit game at every girl they see.  Next time you're at a bar just watch every guy as soon as some attractive female steps in.  All conversations will stop, eyes will lock on, and then the occassional elbow nudge will take place.  It's extrmemely comical because you don't need to be a genius to figure out what is going on in every single one of those pervs' heads.  All you need to do is try and find out who the first one to act on it will be.  And when I say act on it, I don't mean the first drunk to holler at the woman with a "Hey! What's your name?  No?  Ok, well maybe I'll talk to you later.".  Trust me, it doesn't work.  I mean the first guy who will make a valid effort to approach the lady and lay some sort of line on her.  Gentlemen, you might disagree with me on this one but I might have found a better tactic. 

I have learned that no matter how much time and effort and you invest in trying to pick up a girl, the return is never worth it.  Usually, buying a girl a drink can work.  The thing with that is most girls are already looking for guys to buy them a drink so it is now expected.  It's almost like holding a door open for woman, sometimes you don't want to, but you should.  I'm not saying that it never works, because trust me, it does.  What guys need to learn is that it is all about your positioning.  Posting up right by the ladies room is a sure thing.  Especially if there is one that is kind of hidden.  I was blown away this past weekend with how many women were getting picked up by guys I was with strictly because they were asking us where the bathroom was.  I actually thought that some of them knew where the bathroom was but just wanted to talk to us.  I was approached by one girl when I was standing right in front of the bathroom door and she asked where it was.  I turned around and pointed to the door and she then played dumb.  She then tracked me down after she was done and thanked me.  Now most of you might say that is just common curtousy but the fact her friend came back 5 minutes later and told me how "adorable" her friend thought I was, is not common. 

Some of you might think that this will never work but the odds of it working are better than any other pick up line that you might lay on a chick.  If you think about it, a girl will use the bathroom roughly, on average, 5 times per visit to the bar.  I mean this number can change because you know how women are, always going into the bathroom and talking and shit.  So for every visit to the bathroom, she will see you twice (walking in and walking out).  You haven't even said one word or bought one drink for her and she already has seen you  twice and knows where you and your friends are.  What makes this better is that even this girl is going into the bathroom to talk to her friend, hopefully she'll tell her friend how much she wants to bang you.  I know this all might sound silly but it is true.  You don't even need to say one word, just undress the woman with your eyes.  Women love being stared at so if you just acknowledge that they look good by strictly by giving them a quick glare then you already have a leg up on the race.  Gentlemen, your homework for this week/weekend is to go to a bar, it can be any bar, and post up right by the ladies room.  You can post your results as comments to this blog entry.  If any of you happen to capitalize on my advice then I will say in advance, you're welcome. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hater In The House

As much as it hurts me to blog about Elizabeth Hasselbeck in a negative way, I feel it is my duty to stand up for one of my future ex-wives, Erin Andrews.  In a recent episode of "The View", Hasselbeck criticized an outfit Erin Andrews wore during one of her routines on "Dancing With The Stars".  For those who aren't aware, a man named Michael Barrett was just locked up for stalking her in a few hotels.  I don't mean sending her letters and being obsessed.  I mean this perv was drilling peep holes and more than likely snapping one off to Erin Andrews getting undressed.  I guess the outfit was a little too scandalous for Hasselbeck because she came out on her show and said that wearing an outfit like that is probably why Erin Andrews was in her situation in the first place. 
Don't be a moron, Elizabeth.  Do you think Erin Andrews really rocks a sequenced see through dress when she runs to the grocery store?  I doubt she is sporting a sparkly, yellow and green dress with stringy things on the bottom of it to the post office.  Hey Elizabeth, did you ever think she was being stalked because she is a smoking hot chick who knows more about sports than you have ever known about well, anything?  The way I see it, Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a hater.  She's hating on Erin Andrews because A. Erin Andrews is hotter.  B.  If Erin's partner from "Dancing from the Stars" starts tagging her, then Erin will have a younger, better looking significant other than Hasselbeck.  C.  Erin Andrews has a better job and is viewed as a bigger star than Hasselbeck.  Hence her role on "Dancing With The Stars".  Go to Google images and type in Erin Andrews.  Every picture will show her looking extremely obscure and conservative. 

I guess you have to applaude Elizabeth's tearful apology she made on "The View".  She basically told the audience that she privately apologized to Erin Andrews and then proceeded with her public apology where she tried holding back her regretful tears.  I mean crying on air is the most typical form of reaching for sympathy.  But when she brought her daughter into the mix, I just rolled my eyes.  Elizabeth was fishing for sympathy when she reiterated the conversation she had with her 5 year old daughter stating that her daughter recommended "Why don't you just call Erin and say you're sorry, mommy?".  Wow, your daughter had to come up with that solution for you?  She even said to the audience how wise her 5 year old was.  I mean go online and look up the video.  You'll notice she is even reading from cue cards.  Let me guess Elizabeth, one of your producers wrote that apology for you because you're too much of a bimbo to put together a simple "I'm sorry" for offending a person who had never done anything to you.  What happen was Tim Hasselbeck probably used to oogle over Erin Andrews back in the day so Elizabeth took the first shot she saw at Erin.  Like the old saying goes, Elizabeth.  "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Don't Tase Me, Bro!!!!

So I don't know if anyone has seen this story of the 17-year old kid who ran on the field at a Philadelphia Phillies game and then got tased.  I love this story.  For those who haven't seen it, please go to this youtube link and laugh your asses off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTLZOm9NcNQ

What is so funny about this story is the moron that decided to run onto the field called his dad looking for permission to run onto the field.  A quote from espn.com reported this kid called his dad and asked for permission with his father replying with a "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea, Stevie."  Hahaha.  If that was my old man and I asked him if it was ok for me to run onto Progressive Field he would respond with a "Tuna, you better sit your ass down or I WILL come down there and beat the living hell out of you for the whole damn stadium to see!"  That's just how Papa Tuna rolls.  You have to love how this kid's dad tried defending his son in an interview saying his son wasn't drunk or on drugs.  He did come with a "He's a smart kid.  He's going to Penn State next year."  Yeah?  Not anymore, paddy.  I can only imagine little Stevie asking for permission then turning to his buddy and going "My dad said no but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.  Dude, this is gonna be sweet.".  What's good is that his buddy was probably like "Dude, you're a dumb ass.  If you do run out there, I hope you get your ass tased.".   

It's hilarious because you can tell by the way this kid was running that he was probably one of the most unathletic dudes at his high school.  I mean notice how he was running flat footed and his cuts were more rounded off rather than sharp jukes.  He also had this dumb ass look on his face like he was a 5 year old chasing the ice cream truck.  It was rather appropriate though that after he did get dotted with the taser, it looked like he going head first into home plate in the bottom of the ninth for the win in the World Series.  And you know this kid thought he was cute by twirling that shirt or towel or whatever the hell that was.  Maybe if he left the props at his seat he would've been able to shake those guards. 

The only part of this story I do not agree with is that the family is looking to press charges.  I say the parents get tased just for even thinking of pressing charges.  The dad even told his son not to run out on the field.  That kid is lucky he didn't get speared by a security guard and shattered his fibula.  Getting tased is probably the best thing that could've happened to him, next to just sitting in your seat and watching the game.  If the Philadelphia Police Department or Philadelphia Phillies see any legal repercussions from this than I will be extremely disappointed in the Judicial system.  That kid should just get his ass kicked strictly for thinking it was ok to run out on the field.  Come to think of it.  If little Stevie didn't run out onto that field then I would not of had something so funny to watch when I got into work today and I would not of had a topic for this entry.  So Stevie, I guess I owe you thanks.  But you're still a dumb ass.

Now I Ain't Saying She A Gold Digger

I understand that today's television has been slowly declining in entertainment value.  Everyone may not agree with me but hey, it's my blog, surf the web for a new one if you don't like it.  Everything from The Hills and 16 and Pregnant on MTV to Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E! has now been the television America is being subjected to.  What makes this concept of "entertainment" even worse is that these "entertainers" are being looked at as "celebrities".  It used to be that celebrities were being known as individuals with a talent that they used to get into the limelight.  For example, U2 is known as one of the greatest recording artists to ever take the stage.  They are known around the world for their talent and accomplishments.  Then you have Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills.  They are famous for...but then they...ok they live in L.A. and Heidi got plastic surgery.  That is it. 

Now, these "celebrities" have been doing this for long enough that there really is no stopping it.  They have already established themselves as a mainstay in pop culture that all we can do now is see what kind of shenanigan comes up in the tabloids next.  One thing I cannot let go is the new reality show "Basketball Wives" on VH-1.  Talk about a waste of 30 minutes.  I saw one episode this past weekend and I actually started laughing with how retarded the show's concept was.  For those who have not seen this train wreck yet, all it consists of is a bunch of skanks who all either dated, are engaged, or were married to an NBA or former NBA player.  None of them really like eachother but because they all live in Miami and all date ballers, they think they should all be friends.  All they do is talk about how they think their boyfriends, husbands, or fiances are all cheating on them.  What's funny is that they speculate all these other skanks in South Beach are sleeping with their significant other (which they probably are), then get mad at these hoochies.  It's not the NBA Player's fault, right?.  It's the hoochie who is trying to get with him, of course.  These "Basketball Wives" think all these other women in South Beach are all gold diggers.  They think the only reason their husbands, boyfriends, or fiances are being approached is because these women want money.  Are we sure these chicks aren't Rocket Scientists.  And I bet all these women will tell you they fell in love with their significant other because of their charming personality.  Right, that's what I look for in a girl, too.  : / 

The reason why this show cracks me up so much is because all it is, is one big contradiction.  Half of the women who "star" in this show aren't even with their significant other anymore.  That's the first indication that they were truly "in love" with these guys to begin with.  They all think they're better than the skankies that are still going after these ball players because they have "careers".  One chick is a "High End Real Estate Agent".  What the fuck does that mean?  All this bimbo did was follow around an actual real estate agent and at the end of the tour added "I think you guys will be living here together for a long time.".  Yeah?  Is that until you try and keep that ball player's ankles warm with his Nike basketball shorts? 

I really shouldn't knock these hood rat hood rat hoochie mamas.  They're just trying to make an honest living.  What's funny is that's probably what they were saying before they met their ex-Ball Player at Minxxx or whatever scrip club they were pimping just so they could buy little Day-Day a new pair of Lebron's.   

Friday, April 30, 2010

Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

Is Santonio Holmes serious? This is an honest question. I mean ever since this guy came into the league he has been nothing but trouble for his respective team. For those who do not know what I am speaking of, Santonio Holmes is an NFL wide receiver who was previously employed by the Pittsburgh Steelers but was recently traded to the New York Jets. Oh yeah, Santonio Holmes was traded to the New York Jets shortly after he was being accused of allegedly throwing a glass at some hoochie's eye in a club (Does this NOT shock anyone else?). Ever since Santonio came into the league, he has done nothing but get into trouble. From domestic violence charges to marijuana possession. This next one is just straight stupoid. On April 29th, Holmes was escorted off a plane heading to Vegas from Pittsburgh for the Floyd Mayweather/ Shane Mosely fight. Why was Mr. Holmes escorted off this flight you ask? Santonio Holmes was escorted off the aircraft for refusing to turn off his ipod. Yes, you heard that right. This dumb ass refused to turn his ipod off.

Now, I was recently on a flight from Newark to Cleveland where this camel jockey (I'm allowed to drop Arabic slurs, I'm part carpet rider) refused to put his carry on bag a few spaces behind his seat. This is understandable only because the guy might have had some valuable shit in his bag. Or a bomb. If he wants to be able to keep an eye on his bag I believe he should have the right. This is America, not the Arab Emirate. If you have ever flown on a plane you know that the pilot politely asks his passengers to turn off all electronic devices for take off. This is a request that myself and I bet many others have thought as being an asinine practice, but we do it anyways. Something so silly but only takes 10 minutes out of your 3 and half hour flight. What Santonio, did Ludacris have to get you all pumped up for the take off? Do you need Three-Six Mafia to get you in the zone for instructions on how to use the seat belt and where your flotation device is? I can just see it right now.

Sexy Stewardess: "Um, excuse me sir. Can you please turn off your ipod? We are about to take off."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "Naw, bitch lady! You know who I am? I'm Santonio Holmes! Get me a purple drank!"

Sexy Stewardess: "Um, but sir, all electronic devices must be turned off for take off."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "I don't think ya heard me. I said naw, bitch."

Sexy Stewardess: "Sir, if you don't turn off your device we will have to escort you off the aircraft."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "Fine! Do it! Take ME to jail!"

Sexy Stewardess: "Ok asshole! You asked for it!"

Cue the big, burley Air Marshall just bear hugging Santonio and throwing him off the plane like Ben Roethilisberger hooking up with him for his game winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

Now, I had another post ready to publish but I saw this story and had to give my take. I don't know weather to think these athletes are either completely brain dead or really believe that they are invincible. In Santonio Holmes' case, he has to be the dumbest boon I have ever seen. Hey, dumbass! You were just traded a year after you won the Super Bowl for the Steelers. If you haven't learned that your conduct has been that big of an issue, then those 3 years at Ohio State were a waste. I mean shit, Stevie Wonder could've seen how big of screw up you were during your tenure with Pittsburgh. I guess it's only fair to give the New York Jets staff a little taste of how big of pain in the ass you're going to be. Don't get down though, Jets fans. If Santonio doesn't work out, you always have Braylon. Hmmmm. Sorry, Jets fans.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I See London, I See France

I first would like to apologize to all of my flounders who have long awaited my return to the pond. It looks like a volcano in Iceland is similar to one of the worse terrorist attacks in U.S. history, in the sense that every airport in Europe had to close until the dust settled, literally.



Anyways, back to my stupid and irrelevant thoughts and ideas.



We have already touched on "Gym Guy" and "Wanna-Be-Gym Guy" a bit. This next guy is one that not everyone sees. This guy is one that really should not be getting knocked on because he isn't trying to hurt anyone, he's just looking for a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you, "Locker Room Guy". Yes, I am talking about the guy who is always in the locker room, socializing, usually ass naked wearing only flip flops, and pretty much takes a giant leap over the line in the locker room.



I know not many guys are comfortable with locker rooms strictly because of "Locker Room Guy" and that's ok, he have that effect on other people. You see, "Locker Room Guy" can come in a few variations. You got your "Old School Locker Room Guy" who is the grandpa that will only talk to other geriatrics and basically refuses to put on any clothes unless it is absolutely necessary. After a hard work out consisting of 3/4 of a mile walking on the treamill and a 15 minute session of smacking around 2 1/2 pound plates, Gramps will usually waddle to the locker room and straight up strip down to nothing. Oh and you think this vet is wearing flip flops? Hell no! He has seen "worse shit grow on his feet back when he was fighting in Nam". He then proceeds to jump in the sauna for a good 10-15 minutes, does a steam for about 5, then chases it all with a quick shower. Now, any normal person would hurry up, get dressed, and jet on out of there, not old man Rivers. Gray bush decides to stay in his towel, sit down, and watch whatever the club decides to put on that day by the sitting area. Now I know they put that table and chairs in there for people to sit at and relax, but no one is ever supposed to actually use them. I mean, do you hate going home so bad that you will sit in a room where other naked guys are walking back and forth? I don't get it.



I can't just hate on the older demographic that roam around in the locker room. This next one really can get on a guy's nerves quick. "Social Locker Room Guy" is probably the guy that forces most men to get their work out in and dip out of the gym. I won't lie, there is nothing better than a long steam or sauna after a workout. I mean just to be able to sit there for 15 minutes and read the sports page is a great way to wind down from a strenuous workout. That is until Chatty Kathy steps into the sauna and takes that away from you. I don't mind breaking down the Cavs game from the night before but when you start predicting the whole next series before game 1 has even tipped then you're just pissing in the wind. And please, put a towel on while you're in the sauna. What's the point of bringing in two towels and only using one to lean back on? I know you feel a little more masculine because you're talking sports with other swinging dicks after you just smacked plates but come on, cover up, don't celebrate it. Oh yeah, and if you do see "Social Locker Room Guy" chillin in their, don't plan on using the blow dryer. No joke, "Social Locker Room Guy" uses that to dry other parts of his body besides his hair, if you know what I mean.

Don't let this keep you down, fellas. There are a couple ways of getting rid of these pests. The next time you walk into the sauna and you see either one of these guys hanging out (literally, all hanging out), you dig for the biggest booger you can find in your beak and you throw that mama jama right on the hot coals. This will let off the nastiest stink, they will have no choice but to get out. If that doesn't work, you smoke them out. Grab a water bottle and you drench those coals so they cannot even stand the heat. There is no reason why these inconsiderate knobs should deprive us a sauna or keep us from using the locker room facilities. So if you are one of the guys I mentioned, please, when you see me in the sauna, shower, or getting dressed, keep your comments to yourself and your eyes on the wall. Thanks.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Tuna, Stop Chugging the Fine Italian Wine. This Isn't Two Buck Chuck.

So one of the most entertaining things I have experienced in Italy was the disco tech called "Peter Pan". Every guy in this place was a douche bag beyond belief. Some people may call this "fashionable" but I think they all look like they have seen one up close quite a few times. There was one guy (he probably could've been thrown in the category of "gym guy") who was yoked as shit but had this tight see through short sleeve shirt on. Tan as hell with his hair all styled in a way I have never seen before. I watch him walk to the bar then walks back towards the dance floor holding what looked like a lime green martini, maybe an appletini. This guy was too easy to tear into so I decided to see what other poor sap I could try and make want to pop a cyanide pill in his own J&B and Cola. I then see this guy in the section next to ours wearing a pink scarf. Ding ding ding, we found a winner.

So this guy is with a group of girls and some of his boys. I see them trying to dance and I just started to get giddy. I make myself a fourth vodka red bull and decide to go and try my newly acquired Italian speaking skills on this guy's girl. "Eeyo mota captivo" which means "I am real bad". She started lauging so I followed with a "Par se Ingles?" which means "do you speak english?". She replied with a no so I responded with a "Well that's cool, maybe you can leave this guy and I can teach you a little.". Considering she had this "Back off you dumb ass American before I pepper spray your ass", I decided to laugh in her face and walk away. I go and make myself another vodka red bull and start showing these dough spinners how to dance, freak-grind up-sixth grade-negro style. You would've thought it was the second coming of Mussolini.

Our ride is eventually leaving so I get lost on the dance floor and end up walking up outside and seeing everyone piling into this Mercedes van that was rented for us. One of my co-workers grabs me and pulls me out the van to show me these bouncers throw this garlic-knot making tool into a road baracade. One of the Shrek looking door men then proceeds to take his Italian leather boot and plant it right in this dude's face. The other two then begin to take turns allowing this guy's face to hit their closed, swinging fists. While this guy is screaming for his life, these door guys grab him by his belt, drag him to this high flight of steps, kick him a few times in the ribs, then heave him down the concrete stairs. By far, the most entertaining thing I have seen thus far in Italy.