Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Oh That Was Your Girl? I Thought I Recognized Her

A good buddy of mine, we'll call him "Stitch", sent me a text this past weekend while he was on the driving range making fun of this guy who was giving his girlfriend a lesson.  This is great because there are many types of guys like this.  We'll call this one, "I'm Sweet Guy".  "I'm Sweet Guy" is that guy who sometimes is a boyfriend or just a guy trying to impress a girl he's with. This cracked me up because once "Stitch" told me this guy's girlfriend started ripping on him because he was shanking every shot, I immediately thought of "Golf Guy". You know, that guy who walks up to the first tee decked out in all new gear, thousand dollar irons, and just throwing around outrageous bets that everyone in the foursome knows he won't win. It's great because this guy thinks he is so sweet but his girlfriend is laughing at him and turning around giving you the "god my boyfriend sucks I want to come over there and show you my golf stroke, tuna" look. Once shankapotomus sees his girl become uninterested and gazing at other dudes, he puts his lesson to an abrupt halt, grabs his shit, and tells his girlfriend to hop in the car.  I guess he isn't one for competition. 

This next guy is a freaking joke.  I like to call this "Transparent Guy".  "Transparent Guy" is the dude you see out with a girl that is reaching to impress his date.  Perfect example.  I was at Regal Cinemas this weekend picking up a gift card and as I turn around to walk out, there is "Transparent Guy" with a date.  You can tell this was one of their first dates because:
A.  It was noon on a Sunday.
B.  This girl looked so uncomfortable with the whole situation.  Wandering aimlessly with her eyes, fidgeting her hands, and pretty much pacing back and forth. 
C.  When dude went to pay for the tickets, the cashier asked "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Less-Fortunate-Handiacapped Children's Fund."  (I don't really remember what the charity was.)  No joke, this guy looked at his date,like he was making sure she was paying attention, then says "Yeah, you can just keep the change." 

Now, I'm all about charity.  I believe if you are in a position to help someone then you should take full advantage of the opportunity.  I believe if someone like "Transparent Guy" tries to impress a first date by donating $2.50 to some charity that he has no real connection with, then he should get kicked in the mouth.  It doesn't stop at frivolous donations, though.

  Next time you're at a restaurant look for the couple that has "first date" written all over them.  The guy probably has a pastel colored shirt on, a lot of product holding up the lettuce, and he is drinking wine.  I like wine at special occassions but I would rather go with a cocktail or even a beer.  You can tell this guy just wants to go to the bar, line up 3 shots of whiskey or tequilla, slam them, and then hoot and holler and the first fine ass that passes him.  Men sometimes do that.  Bro, everyone in the place can tell you really want to get with that chick you're with.  Aside from you sucking down that vino, do you know how we all know you want to get the deed done?  Because we all do, too.  And by the looks of that dress your date is wearing, the feeling might be mutual. 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

But Daddy, I Want An Oompa Loompa NOW!!!

I can not believe I am actually going to post this on my blog but I can't bite my tounge any longer.  I used to be one of the biggest Lebron James supporters.  Not only because I am from Cleveland but because I truly thought Lebron was, hands down, one of the most physically gifted as well as professional athletes I have ever seen.  Just the way Lebron could close a game whenever he wanted and then talk to the media like he was a 10 year veteran.  Ever since he was a junior at St. Vincent St. Mary, he has been in the public eye and has handled it better than any professional athlete I have ever seen.  I mean, the media has tried to dig out some dirt on him but the most they have found was a couple throw back jerseys he accepted in high school and him doing 150 mph on the highway, sober.  There really is no legitamite reason why anyone can hate on this kid.  Is there?

Now, I can understand when Lebron doesn't play well and can admit to it by saying he usually doesn't play that way and there are times he doesn't bring his "A" game. No one's perfect.  The thing I can not seem to swallow is how when he plays like shit and then proceeds to say his fans, from his hometown, they have been spoiled by his play.  Really, LeBacle?  And that is what I am calling him after his god awful performance he displayed in Game 5.  Have we really been spoiled the past 7 years you have played for the Cavs?  I wasn't aware how fortunate we were to watch your under achieving ass get swept from the Finals back in '07.  You really shouldn't of.  I mean last year when you got clowned out of the Eastern Conference Finals was one of the more sincere gifts I have ever received.  Let me ask you something, "King" James.  Was that just charity when you let that kid from Xavier dunk on your ass at your own camp?  Did you let David Kalb (who?) school you at Venice Beach a couple years back?  And I don't want to hear, "Oh Lebron wasn't trying, he didn't want to get hurt.  He let those dudes do that.".  Well the way I see it, that kid from Xavier damn near broke his ankles. 

It's just funny how Lebron can call any Cleveland fan "spoiled".  How many times has a Cleveland team had the carpet ripped out from under them then pounced on and had their hearts ripped out?  I never heard Bernie Kosar come out and say he spoiled us when John Elway drove the field and ripped our shot at a Super Bowl away from us.  Nobody heard Jose Mesa come out in after the '97 World Series and say we were spoiled.  You then have the nerve to come out and say Cleveland fans should be confident the Cavs will win Game 6 and 7 because they have you.  You just tore into Cleveland fan and now you're saying they should be confident in you.  How the hell can your fans be confident in you when you just performed one of the biggest choke jobs in arguably the biggest game of your career?  I just don't see it.  I can see maybe if you would've pulled a "Tim Tebow" and said we won't see anyone work harder in the NBA Playoffs than you followed by a "God Bless".  Cleveland fan would have eaten that up.  Instead, you had to put it on us saying we were spoiled.  I will leave it at this because, unlike many Clevelanders, I still have faith the CAVS can still win this series, not just Lebron.  I wouldn't want to look too spoiled or anything. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

You Were Voted Number 1 and I Didn't Like It

So I sign onto Yahoo today and find out that the new Top 100 Hottest was posted on Maxim.com.  I mean there are few times when I get so excited so early in the morning.  This was one of those times.  So for the next 15 minutes or so, my eyes were honed in on the screen and I was just basking in the beauty that laid before my eyes.  Everyone from Chelsea Handler to Hilary Duff, Kelly Ripa to Kim Kardashian.  It was truely magnificent.  So as I was ending my deposits into my spank bank, I came down to the number 1 hottie on Maxim's 100 Hotties list.  Who else, none other than.....Katie Perry?  Really, Maxim? 

Now, I'm aware that there are certain components that will determine these rankings.  Some of these go beyond just a pretty face, nice ass, and perfectly sculpted fun bags.  Some of these might include, current accomplishments, recent come-backs, or certain affiliations.  For example, Chanel from Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory was 98 on the list.  Chanel is a cute girl.  But, if you read the caption that is next to the picture, she is known for her thong shot she delivered on an episode of Fantasy Factory.  Like I said, recent accomplishments.  Christina Aguilera came in at a shocking 18 on the list but her position was justified by her recent album she released with a "different sound" (I wouldn't tell Christina to justify any position she was in, that's just me).  Then you have the upset at number 1 with Katie Perry.  Don't get me wrong, Katie Perry is smoking hot but there is a bold line that seperates "smoking hot" and "Maxim's Hot 100 #1 hot".  Sorry Katie, but I don't think I can put you past smoking hot.  I would have to say that the only reason she made it to "smoking hot" is because she kissed a girl and she liked it.  If she never did that, I would have to drop the smoking and just leave her at hot. 

I am no expert by any means and some of you might agree that Katie Perry is as hot as the media portrays her to be.  But you also have to agree that she is no number 1 on one of the most prestigous lists going right now in any world wide publication.  I can name a dozen of the hotties that contributed to this list that, in my mind, should sit on the top.  Not even judging based on looks, but also their recent accomplishments or current come-backs.  I feel affiliations should not really factor into one's final decision for this list (Sorry, Chanel).  But like I said, this isn't a knock on Katie Perry, I just do not agree with the final decision for Maxim's Hott 100.  I'm sorry, Katie but you were voted number 1 and I did not like it. 

Monday, May 10, 2010

Position A

What cracks me up when I go out is the amount of horn ball dudes who are always trying to spit game at every girl they see.  Next time you're at a bar just watch every guy as soon as some attractive female steps in.  All conversations will stop, eyes will lock on, and then the occassional elbow nudge will take place.  It's extrmemely comical because you don't need to be a genius to figure out what is going on in every single one of those pervs' heads.  All you need to do is try and find out who the first one to act on it will be.  And when I say act on it, I don't mean the first drunk to holler at the woman with a "Hey! What's your name?  No?  Ok, well maybe I'll talk to you later.".  Trust me, it doesn't work.  I mean the first guy who will make a valid effort to approach the lady and lay some sort of line on her.  Gentlemen, you might disagree with me on this one but I might have found a better tactic. 

I have learned that no matter how much time and effort and you invest in trying to pick up a girl, the return is never worth it.  Usually, buying a girl a drink can work.  The thing with that is most girls are already looking for guys to buy them a drink so it is now expected.  It's almost like holding a door open for woman, sometimes you don't want to, but you should.  I'm not saying that it never works, because trust me, it does.  What guys need to learn is that it is all about your positioning.  Posting up right by the ladies room is a sure thing.  Especially if there is one that is kind of hidden.  I was blown away this past weekend with how many women were getting picked up by guys I was with strictly because they were asking us where the bathroom was.  I actually thought that some of them knew where the bathroom was but just wanted to talk to us.  I was approached by one girl when I was standing right in front of the bathroom door and she asked where it was.  I turned around and pointed to the door and she then played dumb.  She then tracked me down after she was done and thanked me.  Now most of you might say that is just common curtousy but the fact her friend came back 5 minutes later and told me how "adorable" her friend thought I was, is not common. 

Some of you might think that this will never work but the odds of it working are better than any other pick up line that you might lay on a chick.  If you think about it, a girl will use the bathroom roughly, on average, 5 times per visit to the bar.  I mean this number can change because you know how women are, always going into the bathroom and talking and shit.  So for every visit to the bathroom, she will see you twice (walking in and walking out).  You haven't even said one word or bought one drink for her and she already has seen you  twice and knows where you and your friends are.  What makes this better is that even this girl is going into the bathroom to talk to her friend, hopefully she'll tell her friend how much she wants to bang you.  I know this all might sound silly but it is true.  You don't even need to say one word, just undress the woman with your eyes.  Women love being stared at so if you just acknowledge that they look good by strictly by giving them a quick glare then you already have a leg up on the race.  Gentlemen, your homework for this week/weekend is to go to a bar, it can be any bar, and post up right by the ladies room.  You can post your results as comments to this blog entry.  If any of you happen to capitalize on my advice then I will say in advance, you're welcome. 

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hater In The House

As much as it hurts me to blog about Elizabeth Hasselbeck in a negative way, I feel it is my duty to stand up for one of my future ex-wives, Erin Andrews.  In a recent episode of "The View", Hasselbeck criticized an outfit Erin Andrews wore during one of her routines on "Dancing With The Stars".  For those who aren't aware, a man named Michael Barrett was just locked up for stalking her in a few hotels.  I don't mean sending her letters and being obsessed.  I mean this perv was drilling peep holes and more than likely snapping one off to Erin Andrews getting undressed.  I guess the outfit was a little too scandalous for Hasselbeck because she came out on her show and said that wearing an outfit like that is probably why Erin Andrews was in her situation in the first place. 
Don't be a moron, Elizabeth.  Do you think Erin Andrews really rocks a sequenced see through dress when she runs to the grocery store?  I doubt she is sporting a sparkly, yellow and green dress with stringy things on the bottom of it to the post office.  Hey Elizabeth, did you ever think she was being stalked because she is a smoking hot chick who knows more about sports than you have ever known about well, anything?  The way I see it, Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a hater.  She's hating on Erin Andrews because A. Erin Andrews is hotter.  B.  If Erin's partner from "Dancing from the Stars" starts tagging her, then Erin will have a younger, better looking significant other than Hasselbeck.  C.  Erin Andrews has a better job and is viewed as a bigger star than Hasselbeck.  Hence her role on "Dancing With The Stars".  Go to Google images and type in Erin Andrews.  Every picture will show her looking extremely obscure and conservative. 

I guess you have to applaude Elizabeth's tearful apology she made on "The View".  She basically told the audience that she privately apologized to Erin Andrews and then proceeded with her public apology where she tried holding back her regretful tears.  I mean crying on air is the most typical form of reaching for sympathy.  But when she brought her daughter into the mix, I just rolled my eyes.  Elizabeth was fishing for sympathy when she reiterated the conversation she had with her 5 year old daughter stating that her daughter recommended "Why don't you just call Erin and say you're sorry, mommy?".  Wow, your daughter had to come up with that solution for you?  She even said to the audience how wise her 5 year old was.  I mean go online and look up the video.  You'll notice she is even reading from cue cards.  Let me guess Elizabeth, one of your producers wrote that apology for you because you're too much of a bimbo to put together a simple "I'm sorry" for offending a person who had never done anything to you.  What happen was Tim Hasselbeck probably used to oogle over Erin Andrews back in the day so Elizabeth took the first shot she saw at Erin.  Like the old saying goes, Elizabeth.  "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Don't Tase Me, Bro!!!!

So I don't know if anyone has seen this story of the 17-year old kid who ran on the field at a Philadelphia Phillies game and then got tased.  I love this story.  For those who haven't seen it, please go to this youtube link and laugh your asses off.


What is so funny about this story is the moron that decided to run onto the field called his dad looking for permission to run onto the field.  A quote from espn.com reported this kid called his dad and asked for permission with his father replying with a "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea, Stevie."  Hahaha.  If that was my old man and I asked him if it was ok for me to run onto Progressive Field he would respond with a "Tuna, you better sit your ass down or I WILL come down there and beat the living hell out of you for the whole damn stadium to see!"  That's just how Papa Tuna rolls.  You have to love how this kid's dad tried defending his son in an interview saying his son wasn't drunk or on drugs.  He did come with a "He's a smart kid.  He's going to Penn State next year."  Yeah?  Not anymore, paddy.  I can only imagine little Stevie asking for permission then turning to his buddy and going "My dad said no but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.  Dude, this is gonna be sweet.".  What's good is that his buddy was probably like "Dude, you're a dumb ass.  If you do run out there, I hope you get your ass tased.".   

It's hilarious because you can tell by the way this kid was running that he was probably one of the most unathletic dudes at his high school.  I mean notice how he was running flat footed and his cuts were more rounded off rather than sharp jukes.  He also had this dumb ass look on his face like he was a 5 year old chasing the ice cream truck.  It was rather appropriate though that after he did get dotted with the taser, it looked like he going head first into home plate in the bottom of the ninth for the win in the World Series.  And you know this kid thought he was cute by twirling that shirt or towel or whatever the hell that was.  Maybe if he left the props at his seat he would've been able to shake those guards. 

The only part of this story I do not agree with is that the family is looking to press charges.  I say the parents get tased just for even thinking of pressing charges.  The dad even told his son not to run out on the field.  That kid is lucky he didn't get speared by a security guard and shattered his fibula.  Getting tased is probably the best thing that could've happened to him, next to just sitting in your seat and watching the game.  If the Philadelphia Police Department or Philadelphia Phillies see any legal repercussions from this than I will be extremely disappointed in the Judicial system.  That kid should just get his ass kicked strictly for thinking it was ok to run out on the field.  Come to think of it.  If little Stevie didn't run out onto that field then I would not of had something so funny to watch when I got into work today and I would not of had a topic for this entry.  So Stevie, I guess I owe you thanks.  But you're still a dumb ass.

Now I Ain't Saying She A Gold Digger

I understand that today's television has been slowly declining in entertainment value.  Everyone may not agree with me but hey, it's my blog, surf the web for a new one if you don't like it.  Everything from The Hills and 16 and Pregnant on MTV to Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E! has now been the television America is being subjected to.  What makes this concept of "entertainment" even worse is that these "entertainers" are being looked at as "celebrities".  It used to be that celebrities were being known as individuals with a talent that they used to get into the limelight.  For example, U2 is known as one of the greatest recording artists to ever take the stage.  They are known around the world for their talent and accomplishments.  Then you have Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills.  They are famous for...but then they...ok they live in L.A. and Heidi got plastic surgery.  That is it. 

Now, these "celebrities" have been doing this for long enough that there really is no stopping it.  They have already established themselves as a mainstay in pop culture that all we can do now is see what kind of shenanigan comes up in the tabloids next.  One thing I cannot let go is the new reality show "Basketball Wives" on VH-1.  Talk about a waste of 30 minutes.  I saw one episode this past weekend and I actually started laughing with how retarded the show's concept was.  For those who have not seen this train wreck yet, all it consists of is a bunch of skanks who all either dated, are engaged, or were married to an NBA or former NBA player.  None of them really like eachother but because they all live in Miami and all date ballers, they think they should all be friends.  All they do is talk about how they think their boyfriends, husbands, or fiances are all cheating on them.  What's funny is that they speculate all these other skanks in South Beach are sleeping with their significant other (which they probably are), then get mad at these hoochies.  It's not the NBA Player's fault, right?.  It's the hoochie who is trying to get with him, of course.  These "Basketball Wives" think all these other women in South Beach are all gold diggers.  They think the only reason their husbands, boyfriends, or fiances are being approached is because these women want money.  Are we sure these chicks aren't Rocket Scientists.  And I bet all these women will tell you they fell in love with their significant other because of their charming personality.  Right, that's what I look for in a girl, too.  : / 

The reason why this show cracks me up so much is because all it is, is one big contradiction.  Half of the women who "star" in this show aren't even with their significant other anymore.  That's the first indication that they were truly "in love" with these guys to begin with.  They all think they're better than the skankies that are still going after these ball players because they have "careers".  One chick is a "High End Real Estate Agent".  What the fuck does that mean?  All this bimbo did was follow around an actual real estate agent and at the end of the tour added "I think you guys will be living here together for a long time.".  Yeah?  Is that until you try and keep that ball player's ankles warm with his Nike basketball shorts? 

I really shouldn't knock these hood rat hood rat hoochie mamas.  They're just trying to make an honest living.  What's funny is that's probably what they were saying before they met their ex-Ball Player at Minxxx or whatever scrip club they were pimping just so they could buy little Day-Day a new pair of Lebron's.