Wednesday, December 29, 2010

You Can Call Me, KITTY CAT!!!!

This girl keeps on impressing me week in and week out.  I mean you have to click on the link above, read the story, and look at the 9 or so photos that are there.  The bong video was pretty awesome but now she is taking photos of her sitting on her assistant's lap while her assistant tries to lick her tit.  Next you thing you know there's going to be a used condom found hanging out of her ass when she bends over to pick up her cell phone she dropped for a 15th time all drunk and shit.  It's bound to happen.  This chick is going to make Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Theresa.  What do you think Billy Ray thinks about all of this?  I bet he just looks the other way.  You would of thought that after the bong video he would of put his little princess over his knee and taught her never to do stupid shit again.  Come to think of it he probably did but she just enjoyed getting punished.  Oh well.  Stay tuned for next week when she gets caught on tape doing ritual animal slaughterings all doped on Special K. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Other Mistake by the Lake

How the hell does the Browns only send one guy to the Pro Bowl?  Joe Thomas is a lock but how the hell doesn't Peyton Hillis make it as the third running back?  Jamaal Charles was splitting carries all year while Peyton Hillis was making a defenses look like a bunch of soft nancies.  Lawrence Vickers also got the snub this year.  That cat was blowing up holes and knocking dudes out left and right in order for Peyton Hillis to  be stockpiling yards.  I didn't think Joe Haden was going to get the nod but he definetly gave Cleveland fans hope of sending a corner to Hawaii not named Darrelle Revis or Nnamdi Asomugha. 

Peyton Hillis has been a story all year in the NFL with his 100 yard games and high flying acrobatic leaps over would be tacklers.  Lawrence Vickers is what Cleveland football is all about with his bone crushing blocks and goaline consistency.  I guess if you don't have the .500 record or going to the playoffs you are easily overlooked.  I wonder is Lebron thinks Peyton Hillis didn't get in because it was a race thing.

Laughing All the Way to Congress

I don't get why there are people hating on Jon Stewart for pushing for the 9/11 Bill to be passed.  Because the man has a show on Comedy Central and delivers the news in a different, less settle way, he is automatically written off as a bad  representative for the subject?  I would have to push to say that Jon Stewart is one of the more influential voices in politics seeing that a large part of the election of Obama was because the 18-25 year old demographic exercised their right to vote.  Jon Stewart reports the news through a mean that the young adults of America can relate to.  He doesn't have to get up to a podium and try to secure a few more votes.  His intention is to deliver the news and if he may be perceived as blunt at times then that is because it is being said to an audience he is not targeting.  That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't know what he is talking about. 

If You Ain't the Bank Teller, Don't Tell Me Nothing

What the fuck is wrong with Russia?  I don't see how communism is still in existence.  I mean this man can't even do what he wants with his own money.  Mikhail Khodorkovsky, a very wealthy oil tycoon from Russia is being jailed, yet again, for stealing money from HIS company and trying to launder it.  Khodorkovsky used to be one of the richest men in Russia and now is being locked for trying to use his money the way he wanted to.  What kind of country puts their citizens in a situation where they are forced to steal their own money and launder it?  At least Obama isn't making the U.S. citizens pay more of their money to the government to be given to other citizens.  Wait...

Will Work For...Just About Anything

James Franco

James Franco is reportedly on the record by that he will act in any genre of movies.  NO FUCKING WAY!?!?!?!?!?  Isn't that what actors are supposed to do?  You get paid a shit ton of money to act.  Does it matter what role you are playing?  No.  You're a fucking actor!!!  You are supposed to be pretending to be someone you are not.  Martin Lawrence plays a fat black woman in a string of movies.  Other than Charlie Sheen, no actor gets paid any significant amount of dough to play themselves.  Sofia Vergara plays a hot mommy who is married to Al Bundy when in reality she is a spicy mexican minx who probably loves when young men whisper sweet nothings into her ear while nibbling the lobe.  Sorry I just started rambling on that one.  But you get the picture.  

Ay Carramba!!!

Call in the Calvary

Since 1999 the Cleveland Browns have pretty much been in the obsolete of NFL teams.  I mean they snuck into the playoffs once and have had no true starting quarterback.  All that is about to change with the (soon-to-be) firing of Eric Mangini.  Augustus Gloop was a great coordinator under Belichek but he's just been acting like one gigantic pussy since taking over the reigns.  Now that Prez Holmgren is sitting up in the Lerner's ivory tower, he is looking down on the team just formulating a super coaching staff that will accrue so many titles it'll make the Boston Celtics and LA Lakers from the 80's heads spin.  When you got a quarterback like Colt McCoy who has known nothing other than winning his whole life and a running back like Peyton Hillis who has no regard for his own safety let alone the opponent's. 

Mark my word.  You're going to see a decorated head coach on the sidelines next season for the Browns as well as a coaching staff filled with numerous ex-head coaches that just got the axe this season.  I predict something like a John Gruden at the helm with coaches like Josh McDaniels running the offense and Mike Singletary running the D.  If you don't believe me than check back with the Tuna in late February/ early March. 

Gone Take the Money and Run

Kelsey Grammer could be one the dumbest mother fuckers I have read about as of late.  No Prenup!?!?!? Are you kidding me bro?  I mean and that was just the earnings he had to split up while they were married.  I still disagree with this whole situation.  If you read back a little, I posted a small blip about how his new chick is not even remotely cute.  Camille is probably saying to Kelsey, "Hey dickhead, I'm going to spend Christmas in Hawaii at YOUR house then when the weather shapes up I'm spending Easter in the Hamptons.  Oh yeah, and I'm bringing my new 6'4 250 pound black boyfriend and he's going to rail me on YOUR bed.".  Way to go, Kelsey.  You allowed probably the hottest chick you will ever get to slip away with half of your shit and now you're stuck with an elementary school looking broad who probably has never even went down on anything except a toilet after too many vodka, cranberry, and orange juices. 

I would slam seven shades of shit out of Camille.

Monday, December 27, 2010

That'a Boy, Hugh!!!

So Hugh Hefner is due to marry his 3rd wife now.  Myyyy man!!! God damn this cat is smooth.  Look at Crystal Harris.  This chick could actually start wars if she wanted and Heff is just sitting there like, "Why I think I still got it.".  These two are an exact 60 years apart in age, also.  Does Hugh even still get it up?  I'm 24 years old and I love staying out until the wee hours getting hammered drunk, usually trying to stand up straight, and watching my lame ass buddies try and pull in snatch.  I can't really see Hugh trolling the bars at 2 in the morning just itching to get back to the pad and lay some pipe.  Good work anyway, Grey Bush.

Kelsey Grammer Wants Quickie Divorce To Remarry

Kelsey Grammer Is an Idiot

Above is a link to TMZ's website that talks about Kelsey Grammer wanting to get rid of his divorce with Camille Grammer done faster so he can marry his new chick, Kayte Walsh. I don't see what the rush is. Camille is obviously hotter but a little crazy. That Kayte chick doesn't even look remotely cute and kind of has that crazy, possessed look going in the picture provided by TMZ. I would drag this out a little just to see if Kayte really is all there in the head so he doesn't he have to do this run around for a second time with a third wife. Come to think of it-he better not. It's tough enough for me to get chicks to go on second dates let alone wanting to marry me. This greedy son of a bitch should quit his bitching and be glad he is probably getting felated whenever he wants and here I am barely getting my balls tickled.

An Inked Deal

Finally!!! It has happened.  Terrelle Pryor finally got involved in an improper benefits scandal.  Once I saw that TP was going to be a Buckeye I just asked myself, "When will this blue chip fuck up and get caught receiving some cash?".  They all do it.  I am convinced they are all getting paid.  There is just too much money being made by the school and every school has alumni that doesn't care what it will take or cost but they WILL take care of theirs.  It took a little longer than expected, though.  I thought he would've  been busted taking something before his sophomore year.  It's not to say that he didn't, he just didn't get caught until now. 

What I don't get is why out of all the ammenities he probably had access to, why the fuck would Pryor along with the other culprits take free tattoos in exchange for autographed memorbilia?  I mean he couldn't land an ipad or an Armani suit or somthing?  I mean free ink?  That's pretty ridiculous right there.  I bet it was something lame like a football with flames following it with the script "Big Dawg Quarterback" or something stupid like that.  According to the New York Daily News, Terrelle Pryor and Co. didn't know they were in violation of any rules when they sold the merchandise to the tattoo parlor.  Oh, kind of how Cam Newton wasn't aware that his dad was soliciting his son's services for $200k?

The New York Daily News then proceeds to report that these players are permitted to play in the Sugar Bowl because they weren't aware of any violations being done.  Fucking NCAA.  Just bending the rules so they can make their money.  Everyone knows that Bowl game would be a joke if Ohio State played Arkansas with 4 of their top offensive players out of the game.  I don't even know who that fucking Solomon whatever his last name is, but Terrelle Pryor, Devier Posey, Mike Adams, and Boom Herron pretty much is their entire offense.  You take them away and put OSU against ANY SEC team and you're looking at a Varsity team playing a freshmen team.  Who would want to watch that?  Nobody.  Who would want to advertise during that game? Nobody.  Just another reason why these kids are being used as cash cows.  If you're going to make rules then enforce them for everyone.  Not just when it is convienient for your wallet. 

Newfound Hated

If there is anyone I could punt in the tits right now it would have to be Jets head coach Rex Ryan.  This fat shit never tells it how it is.  He won't ever admit when he is wrong, and he is a perverted knob that loves sucking toes.  After his team gets beaten by the Chicago Bears he claims he's going to rest Mark Sanchez because the beaner (I don't hate all Mexicans, just Sanchez) has a sore shoulder.  Just admit it, Rex.  You're "franchise quarterback" sucks and he doesn't want to risk losing to one of the worst teams in the league in the Buffalo Bills. 

I'm pretty disappointed, too.  I actually loved Rex's passion he showed during HBO's "Hard Knocks" when he was convinced he had the best team in the entire NFL.  Then the season actually started and he was reminded of another quarterback in his division named Tom Brady.  You might have heard of him, he has a phenomenal flow atop his head, is banging a super model and has 3 rings to his name.  His squad started tanking towards the end of the season, allegations of his having a foot fetish surfaced, and his QB is playing like shit, errrrr I mean he's got a sore shoulder.  Now he's trying to act all humble because he just snuck into the playoffs and he pretty much has a bye the final week of the regular season.  Maybe if Rexy just treated his tounge like a Krispy Kreme and swallowed it before the Regular Season started then he would be more admired and his team wouldn't be looked at as a bunch of cocky, overpaid, arrogant douche bags that play when they want to and harrass smoking hot sideline reporters. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Mo Money Mo Problems

YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!  That's right, bitches, your Tuna has returned.  I know it has been too long but I am back to fill your virgin minds with meaningless and irrelevant information/smut that will either make you laugh or absolutely hate my guts.  Let's kick this shit off.

It is that time of the year and I am not talking Christmas, Hanakuh, Kwanza, or whatever other consumer driven holiday your religion might celebrate.  I'm talking College Football Bowl season.  I get so excited when this time of year comes around.  I'm like a little kid who just saw his penis become erect for the first time.  THAT excited.  But before I start blowing my load all over the tv for the next 3 weeks or so we need to tackle one issue that I have had with this College football season.  That issue stands at 6'6 and weighs roughly 245 pounds.  That issue would be Auburn quarterback, Cam Newton. 
This Saturday is the presentation of the most prestigious award in all of College Football, the Heisman Trophy.  Yeah yeah yeah, I know.  Cam Newton put the Auburn Tigers on his back and has single handedly led them to the #1 ranking and a chance to play for the National Championship in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.  The kid is arguably the best athlete in the country.  What chaps my ass though is how corrupt the NCAA has become the past decade.  Cam Newton's father, Cecil Newton, has been accused of soliciting his son's talents to colleges when he was playing in Junior College a year ago.  Cam had his mind set on transferring to Mississippi State but reneged on his decision because his father was receiving payment, allegedly, from another institution.  Cam ended up at Auburn, tore shit up, and naturally started being accused of these violations. 

Before all of these allegations surfaced, I thought Cam Newton was the best player in College football and I firmly believed he was winning the Heisman.  Aside from Andrew Luck, who I believe is the true Heisman winner now, no one was even close in the running.  The NCAA conducted their investigation and came to the verdict that Cam Newton was ineligible to play the week leading up to the SEC Championship game.  As we all expected, Auburn appealed the decision and Cam Newton was then declared eligible to play against The University of South Carolina.  The NCAA's reasoning behind their change of mind was that Cam Newton wasn't aware that his father was shopping his services to schools.  What a hot crock of shit.  The NCAA pretty much chubby whacked America and College football in the face by saying this.  In an earlier report, a representative from Mississippi State claimed that after Cam Newton made his decision to attend Auburn, he called Miss State and apologized saying he couldn't turn down the Tigers because "The money was too much".  WHAM!  Yep, that was the NCAA's crank leveling you right in the jaw. 

What I don't understand is after the whole Reggie Bush scandal at USC, how does the NCAA and Heisman voters even consider a candidate who comes with all of this baggage?  Look at Stanford quarterback, Andrew Luck.  He has taken a program that was pretty much in College football pergatory and brought them back to prominence.  Andrew Luck is so far, the projected #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.  In my opinion, this cat is the next elite NFL quarterback.  Aside from tearing it up on the gridiron, Luck is excelling in the classroom and serving as a model citizen.  He is everything, in my opinion, the Heisman Trophy should embody.  So one should ask, "What is College football turning into?  Is it an amateur sport or is it slowly becoming one of the largest businesses in the country?".  I would have to say a little bit of both.  If you look at it closely, people are making lots of money off of these amateur athletes (Schools, apparel companies, Cecil Newton, etc.).  I don't have any problem with a person trying to make a buck.  My problem is if all of these schools are making all this money then why can't the players get a taste of some of that cheddar?  Oh because they are getting a free education?  That is bullshit.  I hardly consider Matt Leinart's Basket Weaving 101 course at USC an education.  I mean these coaches who are bringing in these stud players and winning conference championships and Bowl championships are getting significant pay raises.  Why not pay the players that are contributing to this winning?

I am all for a kid going to school and receiving a proper education if they are on scholarship.  But you can't sit here and say that is what really is happening at some of these schools.  Don't get me wrong, some of these student athletes are doing it the proper way (Andrew Luck).  They are taking on a full schedule of legit college courses all while attending practice and then studying not only their playbook but also their text books.  But when you have guys Reggie Bush, Cam Newton, and other blue chip players who are killing 3 years of time while they wait for their first year of pro eligibility to kick in, it just isn't fair for the ones who are taking advantage of their opportunity at hand. 
Your soon-to-be Heisman Trophy Winner's mugshot

Disclaimer:  For anyone who thinks I am going against my journalistic intergrity by writing in favor of Andrew Luck and knocking on Cam Newton, you all are wrong.  I'm a fucking blogger, I wouldn't know journalistic integrity if it took a running start and kicked me square in my ball bag.