Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Nice Guys Don't Finish At All

I am well aware that being inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is a very prestigous honor that should be awarded to players who accomplish greatly on the football field.  What about off the field?  Could a football player be eligible because of his character and accomplishments off the field?

After the attacks of 9/11, Patrick Tillman who was playing safety for the Arizona Cardinals retired from the game of football, leaving a lucrative career, to enlist in the Army Rangers.  Patrick Tillman served from 2002 to 2004 due to his death in Afghanistan.  Patrick Tillman was picked 226th by the Arizona Cardinals in the 1998 NFL draft and played 4 seasons before enlisting.  The question here is, Should Pat Tillman be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame?  Here you have a selfless man who turned down millions of dollars to serve his country only to have his life ended at 27 years young.  The man only played 4 seasons in the NFL but can you imagine if he would've played 10? 12? Maybe even 15?  He was the 226th pick and started 10 out of 16 games his rookie season.  Tillman finished his career with 238 tackles, 2.5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 3 forced fumbles, 3 fumble recoveries, and 2 pass deflections in 60 career games.  Not impressive numbers but impressive for a guy who earned the last scholarship available from Arizona State then later being named the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year his senior year. 

I don't want to take anything away from any of the players who are currently in the HOF but some of the current inductees are straight assholes.  Lawrence Taylor is arguably the best outside linebacker to ever play the game.  Lawrence Taylor is also arguably one of the biggest coke fiends to ever play the game as well.  Oh yeah and the guy just got pinched for trying to order a hooker who just so happened to be 16 years old.  Because he was an animal on the field does that mean we should overlook his character off the field?  Michael Irvin was a freak at wide receiver but was also a vital piece to a sex crazed, drug addicted team that was notorious for their shenanigans off the field.  Because they were winning Super Bowls is that a reason to look the other way when they get busted having open coke buffet parties?

This has got to be one of the reasons you see these college athletes getting in trouble so much off the field.  They have been bred to think that because they can throw, catch, or tackle well, they are virtually invincible to getting reprimanded for their negative actions.  Then you have good citizens who are good athletes, not great, but good and they don't get the recognition they deserve. 

I'm not saying that a player should not be allowed to be inducted into the Hall of Fame because they got into trouble off the field.  All I'm saying is a guy like Pat Tillman who performed such a noble act off the field for the sake of others should be recognized by awarding him with the highest honor in the third love of his life.  Because as we all can see, Patrick Tillman loved his country and his family more than the game of football.    

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Gentlemen, Pick Your Poison

So after brainstorming with my half attorney, you know who you are, I have decided to enlighten the public on the different types of skanks you can encounter when you go out.  Skanks are like animals.  For every region, you will find different breeds.  For example, Downtown Cleveland will have the low self-esteem skanks who have dollar signs in their eyes and barely anything covering up their asses.  These girls cake the makeup on and are so concerned on how they look.  You have the Lakewood/West Park region that has, what I like to call, "Drinking Tomboys".  These girls just love drinking their faces off, falling over themselves, and sometimes you'll be able to see one puking on Detroit road.  These girls are fun to hang out with because they like to party and usually aren't stuck up little bitches like the sklizzies you see roaming the sidewalks of West 6th.  You finally have everything west of Lakewood.  These are where the cougars will fall into place.  Now if you have read previous postings on this blog then I do not have to go into what constitutes a cougar. 

Let's start Downtown.  Don't get me wrong, I love half naked girls.  I mean what straight guy doesn't?  It's so funny going downtown and seeing the superficial, low-rent, wanna-be Kim Kardashian trash that litters the bars down there.  It's a sad thing because there are some quality establishments in Downtown Cleveland that can allow the people of Cleveland to enjoy their Saturday nights.  I'm not saying every girl that goes Downtown is a skank, just the ones who aren't a street walker are usually the black sheep.  Watching these throw-a-aways running around down on West 6th with their 6 inch heels, half a mini skirt, and what looks to be a tank top is rather comical.  I mean they are tripping over themselves and usually (depending on the weather) are freezing their asses off due to their lack of clothing.  And with these skanks comes the rif raf.  You have these either guys who think they are platinum selling rap artists or Jersey Shore wanna be schlupps.  These tools are more pathetic than these hoes because they are falling over themselves only so they can buy them a drink.  The funny thing is, everyone knows that's as far they're going to get with these sklizzes.  That's the only thing these little skanks are good at it is being seen by all the West 6th tools only so they can receive a free skyy and cranberry. 

Now let's travel west to the Lakewood/West Park area.  Sometimes you will have the overflow from Downtown but usually you get a pretty solid roster of girls in Lakewood.  These girls usually travel in packs sometimes a couple guys who love fighting.  That's what's so ironic about the Lakewood/West Park bars.  You can find a girl who is pretty cute, not a bitch but usually being escorted around by a roid raging Brock Lesnar wanna be.  What's funny about some of these girls is they are pretty much closet sluts, no one knows they love to give it up.  These girls actually dress like they have some self respect and for the most part they do but once you get them feeling a silly, you can take it to the bank.  The bad thing about these girls is they are usually outnumbered by guys.  And every guy in the Lakewood/West Park area is looking to tag one so it pretty much only down to the strongest survives.  These are pretty much the girls, out of all 3 of my categories, the ones you would most likely take home to mom.  The Downtown skanks are the ones Dad would probably want you to bring home. 

Last but not least, my favorite.  Yes, I am talking about the cougars.  You could almost say I like watching the cougars more than anything else.  These magnificent creatures can be found prowling the higher end bars west of Lakewood and sometimes at the typical west side bars.  That's the beautiful thing about cougars.  They have this shit down to science.  If they want the old bull, they'll hit Salmon Dave's, Wine Bar, and one of the many establishments at beautiful Crocker Park.  If a cougar wants some of the young calf, you can find them trolling the patio at Panini's.  A cougar knows exactly what she wants and it's evident in how they carry themselves when they are out.  Cougars will sit at a bar in a way like they know they are a cougar and every guy, no matter what age, is constantly checking them out.  This could be why younger guys all want to bag at least one cougar in their lifetime.  Guys will go out thinking they can land one and think they're the ones in charge when that is far from the truth.  When a cougar gets her hands on a young cub, you better believe that it's her way or the highway.  So fellas, don't be shy, give it a try.

I don't know what every guy's preference might be.  Maybe none of your preferences were listed above but this is how it is broken down in any city, state, or part of the world for that matter.  I can only comment on Cleveland because that is the city I have the most experience and research gathered from.  I am sure there are other types of skanks out there, hell there could be divisions within each breed that I could get into.  I just wanted to lay the groundwork for you gentlemen and hopefully you can take it and run with it.  Good luck.  

Monday, July 19, 2010

What A Girl Wants

This is not much of a post containing my view.  I will throw my take into this but this is more research than anything. 

Now, I read many of the articles that Men's Health usually has on their website.  I recently read one that had many different kinds of positions to have sex in.  Some I have heard of (done) before, sorry Mom.  Some were a little new to me.  I'm not saying I won't try them only because I feel it is my duty as a blogger to blog about subjects I am knowledgeable in.  I mean you wouldn't want marriage advice from Tiger Woods, would you?

Is it true women like it rough?  Don't get me wrong, I like it when a woman can get into it and show a little emotion.  I like when a girl isn't afraid to talk to me while she's in the act. I don't mind if a girl feels she needs to give me a little bite on the ear, that'll happen. So now I'm asking you, ladies. What do you like?

Do women have the same fantasies as men? Say you're on a plane, do you look at the passenger next to you and say, "Wow, the things I would do to get naked with her in that 3x3 bathroom back there.". Do women have fantasies of hooking up with doctors or male nurses like men have of a woman wearing a nurse outfit? I mean I understand the whole "cabana boy" type of fantasy women have because like the whole being waited on thing so what would be better than a shirtless dude serving them cocktails and then fulfilling every dirty fantasy they might be thinking at the time? If you have seen the movie "Wedding Crashers", are women really like the mom where she wants to be called "Kitty Cat"? As women get older, is all they want is a younger guy who won't be afraid to feel their cans? Because I can tell you right now, men love a good cougar.

Now for those who have read my one post regarding cougars and hyenas, i think the men can agree that a good cougar is something that should be celebrated and applauded when you see one. Now, I would never marry a woman who was 20 years older than me, I just don't think a man and a woman with a 20 year age difference would not have enough chemistry where they could have a legitamite, healthy relationship. It would all be based around sex. A) The guy will have sex with her whenever she wants because well, let's face it, no guy is going to turn down sex if it is being thrown at him. B) Do you honestly think a woman in her late 40's or early 50's could put up with someone like, let's see, me? That's what I thought. But do women really just start getting on hot and bothered over younger guys because they know the guy won't throw his back out while he's crushing it?  I mean why would an older woman want to hook up with a guy who goes out with his boys, drinks like a viking, and then usually will do something that will throw away any morals he might have had right out the window?  I mean is that what cougars are really looking for in a cub? 

So I am sorry if this entry was not as entertaining but this was extensive research that I am conducting for pretty much no reason, I'm just a perv. But please, ladies feel free to comment, put your take in, let your voice be heard. You can say what women really want, what you may want, or you can just call me a little perv for putting this up. Because the beautful thing is that this is Big Tuna's Catch of the Day so I can be as perverted as I want. And if women want a perv then stay tuned because I'm sure my blog will not disappoint.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Entertaining Television Outside of the Television

I love "The Hills" on MTV.  Not for the actual show but for the news, drama, and pretty much all the bullshit that comes with it outside of it's nightly time slot. 

I go on Yahoo! everyday to try and catch up on some news and usually learn some useless knowledge like which city is the manliest city in America (which would obviously be Bay Village with whichever city Chuck Norris resides in coming in a close second.).  Seeing that today is the season finale of "The Hills", there has been articles and stories about Spencer Pratt allegedly planning to crash the party being held at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel for the premiere of the episode.  Personally, I think this would be awesome because I see this guy to be the biggest douche bag in America next to Lebron James and you have to know that there is going to be more security there then a White House dinner party.  Hmmmm, maybe his chances are pretty good of crashing this thing then.  Anyways, this knob's picture is going to be at every entrance more than a skank's picture floating around at every entrance at The Masters.  There is no way he is crashing this thing and if he does, haha let's just say I want to see the kind of fight he puts up.   

But that's the thing.  That story about Spencer Pratt planning to crash this party and advertising his agenda over his Twitter account is more entertaining than the actual show he was kicked off of.  I mean the guy got kicked off the show for threatening to kill a female producer.  Who wants to argue that seeing which one of the million guys that stuffed Kristen and ended up leaving her for another slut is more entertaining than reading about psycho ass Spencer Pratt threatening to slit a producer's throat?  That's what I thought, no one.  I mean, you have to almost watch the show to get somewhat of a background story for the news outside of the show.  I mean if I would have never known that Spencer fell off the reservation, if I didn't see an episode where he was playing with "magical crystals" in the middle of a club then almost gets in a brawl with Brody Jenner and starts crying I probably would have never believed any of this.  So then you hear that he threatens to kill a producer and your only reaction is "Finally, mother fucker.".

I just love how you get these fans of the show who actually believe that this is what really happens.  They think that these "celebrities" are just living their lives without any influence of a camera being in front of them 24/7.  There was a special on MTV that actually revealed a bunch of the secrets to these shows.  Secrets like the producers trying to time when one of the cast members would arrive at a certain place because their ex-boyfriend was seen sucking on another girl's fingers at the bar or some bull shit like that.  People, this is not reality!  Don't get me wrong I love when the cast members get in a little scuffle and bitches start pulling hair and clawing at eachother but how many times does that happen?  Once or twice per season if that?  You have to watch the shows so you can stay somewhat informed with the drama going down off the camera.  Shit like Kristen Cavallari gets busted with an 8ball of coke all while giving some 45 year old a hand jibber WHILE driving drunk down Santa Monica Boulevard.  Now that's entertainment.  The producers need to cut the fat off the show and start airing some of the good shit.  I would love to just log onto Yahoo! tomorrow and the first story I see is "Lauren Conrad gets busted at the Roosevelt having a 5 some with the San Diego Chargers' offensive line all while cooking crystal meth in the bathroom."  Wow, imagine how much the ratings would sky rocket after that if they wanted to film another season. 

All I'm saying is that if they are going to call this reality television then start filming what really goes on in reality.  I mean the good stuff.  I don't care if Brody was seen at a club with some skank's hands down his pants in front of Kristen.  Don't get me wrong.  That's sweet but I can go down to West 6th and see that if I really wanted.  I want to see these "celebrities" do stupid shit and get busted while doing it.  They have been dubbed stars when really they are just a bunch of puppets for these cheesy producers to toy with.  So MTV producers, if you can start showing the "real" entertainment instead of this fabricated nonsense then I'm sure all of America will be thankful.  Oh yeah, and try and set up Spencer Pratt to get his ass whooped by like 5 security guards during your season finale.  Thanks.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Powerhouse or Outhouse?

I have been told that I need to post an entry that has nothing to do with sports but with all the hype leading up to "The Decision" I felt that it was responsibility to put in my 2 cents. 

Now we all know that Chris Bosh has already publicly announced his decision earlier this week to team up with Dwayne Wade and form what should be a significantly better basketball team.  Now with all the rumors surrounding Lebron's decision of going to Miami, the media is already dubbing Miami as an All-Star team.  A powerhouse if you will.  As of right now, the Miami Heat have Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasely on their roster.  That's it!  Wade and Bosh aren't officially signed and Pat Riley cleared all his players out to clear cap room or they are all unsigned free agents.  You think if Lebron decides to go to Miami, Udonis Haslem will get re-signed?  I didn't think so.  In order for all three of these big names to receive max contracts, Beasely has got to hit the bricks, too.  Mario Chalmers is nowhere near the caliber point guard needed to run an offense loaded with Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh.  He's out of there.  Now what?

Don't get me wrong, Lebron, Wade, and Bosh would be a coach's, owner's, and pretty much a whole city's wet dream if they all teamed up.  The thing is, you have to pay them like superstars.  Personally, I do not agree with labeling Chris Bosh a superstar.  Let's break down his resume real quick.  7 years as a pro.  11 career playoff games.  Never has gotten out of the first round.  Chris Bosh's only big game he has played in was on the 2008 Olympic team when they won the gold medal.  Superstars are athletes who can be surrounded by mediocre, good players and make them great players.  Superstars, in my opinion are players like Lebron, Wade, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and Dwight Howard.  Toronto essentially had a JV squad and Chris Bosh was that Senior who is good but not good enough to play Varsity.  Chris Bosh is an All-Star but not a superstar. 

Let's fast forward to July 9th.  Lebron has announced that he will be signing with the Miami Heat and it is now Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh.  Michael Beasley is traded to the Charlotte Bobcats and Mario Chalmers was shipped out to Portland. Ok, now Pat Riley has 9 roster spots to fill with virtually no money. Word is, Pat Riley was working out a couple players from Lorain County Community College after he made his pitch to Lebron. After all, once he breaks the bank on his 3 (2 in my opinion) superstars, he will only be able to afford scrub players. This is exactly why this "dynasty" talk needs to come to a halt. Let's say Lebron goes down with a torn ACL, you have Wade and Bosh as your offense. Bosh pulls down 10 boards a night and can't bang in the paint with the likes of Dwight Howard. Wade can't carry all the work load, especially with his history of injuries. You now have 9 minimum salary players going against real pros. That my friends is a recipe for disaster.

So before Cleveland fans get all down and upset about your alleged "Savior" or "King" leaving the beaches of Lake Erie for South Beach, just remember that the grass might not always be greener on the other side.  The Cleveland Cavaliers is still a great franchise with a great owner.  Dan Gilbert is a loyal guy and he won't get up and sell the team just becuase his prized player ditched him.  In my mind, this will only be a motivator to build a championship team and we all know he will spend whatever it takes to do that.  So if at 10:01 tonight, Lebron James is on his way to Miami to sign his $100 million dollar contract, don't be discouraged Cleveland because that isn't Lake Erie you're smelling, it will be the outhouse Pat Riley just built down in Miami.