Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Oh That Was Your Girl? I Thought I Recognized Her

A good buddy of mine, we'll call him "Stitch", sent me a text this past weekend while he was on the driving range making fun of this guy who was giving his girlfriend a lesson.  This is great because there are many types of guys like this.  We'll call this one, "I'm Sweet Guy".  "I'm Sweet Guy" is that guy who sometimes is a boyfriend or just a guy trying to impress a girl he's with. This cracked me up because once "Stitch" told me this guy's girlfriend started ripping on him because he was shanking every shot, I immediately thought of "Golf Guy". You know, that guy who walks up to the first tee decked out in all new gear, thousand dollar irons, and just throwing around outrageous bets that everyone in the foursome knows he won't win. It's great because this guy thinks he is so sweet but his girlfriend is laughing at him and turning around giving you the "god my boyfriend sucks I want to come over there and show you my golf stroke, tuna" look. Once shankapotomus sees his girl become uninterested and gazing at other dudes, he puts his lesson to an abrupt halt, grabs his shit, and tells his girlfriend to hop in the car.  I guess he isn't one for competition. 

This next guy is a freaking joke.  I like to call this "Transparent Guy".  "Transparent Guy" is the dude you see out with a girl that is reaching to impress his date.  Perfect example.  I was at Regal Cinemas this weekend picking up a gift card and as I turn around to walk out, there is "Transparent Guy" with a date.  You can tell this was one of their first dates because:
A.  It was noon on a Sunday.
B.  This girl looked so uncomfortable with the whole situation.  Wandering aimlessly with her eyes, fidgeting her hands, and pretty much pacing back and forth. 
C.  When dude went to pay for the tickets, the cashier asked "Would you like to donate a dollar to the Less-Fortunate-Handiacapped Children's Fund."  (I don't really remember what the charity was.)  No joke, this guy looked at his date,like he was making sure she was paying attention, then says "Yeah, you can just keep the change." 

Now, I'm all about charity.  I believe if you are in a position to help someone then you should take full advantage of the opportunity.  I believe if someone like "Transparent Guy" tries to impress a first date by donating $2.50 to some charity that he has no real connection with, then he should get kicked in the mouth.  It doesn't stop at frivolous donations, though.

  Next time you're at a restaurant look for the couple that has "first date" written all over them.  The guy probably has a pastel colored shirt on, a lot of product holding up the lettuce, and he is drinking wine.  I like wine at special occassions but I would rather go with a cocktail or even a beer.  You can tell this guy just wants to go to the bar, line up 3 shots of whiskey or tequilla, slam them, and then hoot and holler and the first fine ass that passes him.  Men sometimes do that.  Bro, everyone in the place can tell you really want to get with that chick you're with.  Aside from you sucking down that vino, do you know how we all know you want to get the deed done?  Because we all do, too.  And by the looks of that dress your date is wearing, the feeling might be mutual. 

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