Who's Your Caddy?

Spending the majority of my summers caddying at a country club, I had the opportunity to meet some fascinating people.  I will argue with anyone today that caddying is the best job on the face of the earth.  Other than the fact that you have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn during the summer, it really can not be beat.  You have to look at this in a few ways.  First, you're outside all day instead of stuck indoors flipping burgers.  Second, you get paid straight cash, you don't claim any of it.  Cold, hard cash, dollar bills, making it rain on hoes.  Bam, get some.  Third, the people you meet are some of the most interesting people you will ever meet.  Everyone from the older members to younger members, men to women, and douche bags to "legends". 

When a 13 year old kid first begins his caddying career, he really isn't sure what to expect.  You get thrown onto a golf course with minimal training and absolutely no people skills whatsoever.  You have these wealthy members of the club who can sometimes take their game too seriously (even though they suck worse than Hoover vacuum) and then take their frustration out on the first one they see.  That first one is 9 out of 10 times their caddy.  When I was 16, I had a member spas out because he played like absolute dog shit.  This jerk off claimed he played bad because his clubs were dirty.  Really, dude?  You're telling me you were 5 feet short on that birdie putt because you're clubs were dirty?  Sit on it, bro.  When little caddies would complain about douchey members, I would just encourage them that with every dick head, there are 3 to 4 good guys.  When I first started out, I caddied for an older member who was CEO of one of the larger companies in Cleveland.  This guy was the happiest guy you could ever meet but he was absolutely terrible at golf.  He didn't care.  He was just so happy to be out on the course shwappin away at the ball.  That is where the term "legend" comes into play.  "Legends" usually are members that everyone has caddied for at least once in their life and it was an enjoyable experience.  Now there are some "legends" who will only allow certain caddies to loop for them, but you don't see those until you put in your time.   

Caddying really begins to be beneficial as you get older.  When you get to be 17 or 18 you really start to see some characters out on the golf course.  I'm talking guys who are drinking like vikings, yelling obscenities, throwing clubs, talking about lewd sexual acts with women, and pretty much disregarding any social norms.  This is when caddying goes from being a job to entertainment.  Most people will say, "How can you carry someone else's golf clubs for 18 holes of golf in the hot sun?"  Well, it's simple.  I carry their bag, they feed me beer, I laugh at their lack of skills on the course, and they pay me lots of money.  In cash.  Most people look at caddies as modern day slaves to old rich guys.  That is the complete opposite.  These days, you see new country club members coming in and they are relatively young guys.  The "new money" members have slowly been taking over the country club scene.  These are the guys who will bring out a few of their boys, get all shnockered up, and then proceed to throw stupid jack at their loopers.  Next thing you know, it is 4 in the afternoon, you already put in a days work, and you have a slight buzz going.  Last time I checked, slaves didn't have to work in those kind of conditions. 

You gotta love the golf hoes, though.  I promised one member (you know who you are) that I would throw her and her girls in this.  Now, I never really enjoyed caddying for ladies.  They were bad golfers, had no etiquette, and usually just complained for the 5 1/2 hours you were out there with them.  There were a few individuals who were an exception.  You usually have women who usually play with their husbands and try to act like they are these extraordinary golfers and every round they play is like the qualifying round to get onto the LPGA tour.  Those bitches suck.  Then you have my favorite.  The women who are good golfers, who get hamboed on the course, and pretty much fuck with you the whole time you're out there.  These women are awesome because all they want to do is have a blast while they're playing golf and getting drunk.  So seeing that I don't usually caddy for women, I still had to give a shout out to my golf hoes.  You know who you are. 

I finally wanted to touch on "slappy".  For whoever knows who "golf guy" is then you already have a good idea on who "slappy" is.  For those who aren't hip to it, "slappy" is that dickhead member who thinks he is playing in the U.S. Open and he is sniffing the top of the leader board.  This genital itch is the most high maintenance man you will ever meet and he is always blaming a bad shot on something so irrelevant that it just makes him look more like a knob.  For example, "slappy" will hit a shot, take about 2 feet worth of turf, and then proceed to claim that someone 2 fairways over yelled "fore" in his backswing.  "Slappy" will then complain that he wanted his 7 iron in the same spot of his bag as his 4,5, and 6 instead of his 8, 9, and pitching wedge.  I can't just beat "slappy" down into the ground, though.  He does provide some comic relief to the round.  Like when he hooks one into the woods and then goes over his elaborate strategy to get out and put it on the green.  "Ok, Tuna.  If I hit my 7 iron then I can just lay up but that might be too much trajectory and I might clip that branch.  If I use my 5 iron, I can punch it out and hope that it stops right before that bunker therefore leaving me a nice flop shot to the pin.  OR I could use my 4 iron and cut it so it just lands on the green.  Whad'ya think?".  Well I think you suck at golf and I think your wife was staring at my crotch back before we teed off.  That's what I think, dickey.  And then once you get done with the round he has some off the wall request like make sure you put his 60 degree wedge in his wife's bag because she is playing in a couple days and she really enjoys using it.  Then take his demo driver he was using and exchange it at the pro shop for another one that he thinks he can hit better.  After his dumb ass request he then proceeds to hand you $42 and asks if you can caddy for him in a match over the weekend.  Right, dude.  I would rather be gang raped by a gaggle of silver back apes all while getting needles stuck into my crank.  But best of luck to you, anyways.  Now who's your caddy?      

But Daddy, I Want An Oompa Loompa NOW!!!

I can not believe I am actually going to post this on my blog but I can't bite my tounge any longer.  I used to be one of the biggest Lebron James supporters.  Not only because I am from Cleveland but because I truly thought Lebron was, hands down, one of the most physically gifted as well as professional athletes I have ever seen.  Just the way Lebron could close a game whenever he wanted and then talk to the media like he was a 10 year veteran.  Ever since he was a junior at St. Vincent St. Mary, he has been in the public eye and has handled it better than any professional athlete I have ever seen.  I mean, the media has tried to dig out some dirt on him but the most they have found was a couple throw back jerseys he accepted in high school and him doing 150 mph on the highway, sober.  There really is no legitamite reason why anyone can hate on this kid.  Is there?

Now, I can understand when Lebron doesn't play well and can admit to it by saying he usually doesn't play that way and there are times he doesn't bring his "A" game. No one's perfect.  The thing I can not seem to swallow is how when he plays like shit and then proceeds to say his fans, from his hometown, they have been spoiled by his play.  Really, LeBacle?  And that is what I am calling him after his god awful performance he displayed in Game 5.  Have we really been spoiled the past 7 years you have played for the Cavs?  I wasn't aware how fortunate we were to watch your under achieving ass get swept from the Finals back in '07.  You really shouldn't of.  I mean last year when you got clowned out of the Eastern Conference Finals was one of the more sincere gifts I have ever received.  Let me ask you something, "King" James.  Was that just charity when you let that kid from Xavier dunk on your ass at your own camp?  Did you let David Kalb (who?) school you at Venice Beach a couple years back?  And I don't want to hear, "Oh Lebron wasn't trying, he didn't want to get hurt.  He let those dudes do that.".  Well the way I see it, that kid from Xavier damn near broke his ankles. 

It's just funny how Lebron can call any Cleveland fan "spoiled".  How many times has a Cleveland team had the carpet ripped out from under them then pounced on and had their hearts ripped out?  I never heard Bernie Kosar come out and say he spoiled us when John Elway drove the field and ripped our shot at a Super Bowl away from us.  Nobody heard Jose Mesa come out in after the '97 World Series and say we were spoiled.  You then have the nerve to come out and say Cleveland fans should be confident the Cavs will win Game 6 and 7 because they have you.  You just tore into Cleveland fan and now you're saying they should be confident in you.  How the hell can your fans be confident in you when you just performed one of the biggest choke jobs in arguably the biggest game of your career?  I just don't see it.  I can see maybe if you would've pulled a "Tim Tebow" and said we won't see anyone work harder in the NBA Playoffs than you followed by a "God Bless".  Cleveland fan would have eaten that up.  Instead, you had to put it on us saying we were spoiled.  I will leave it at this because, unlike many Clevelanders, I still have faith the CAVS can still win this series, not just Lebron.  I wouldn't want to look too spoiled or anything. 

Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

Is Santonio Holmes serious? This is an honest question. I mean ever since this guy came into the league he has been nothing but trouble for his respective team. For those who do not know what I am speaking of, Santonio Holmes is an NFL wide receiver who was previously employed by the Pittsburgh Steelers but was recently traded to the New York Jets. Oh yeah, Santonio Holmes was traded to the New York Jets shortly after he was being accused of allegedly throwing a glass at some hoochie's eye in a club (Does this NOT shock anyone else?). Ever since Santonio came into the league, he has done nothing but get into trouble. From domestic violence charges to marijuana possession. This next one is just straight stupoid. On April 29th, Holmes was escorted off a plane heading to Vegas from Pittsburgh for the Floyd Mayweather/ Shane Mosely fight. Why was Mr. Holmes escorted off this flight you ask? Santonio Holmes was escorted off the aircraft for refusing to turn off his ipod. Yes, you heard that right. This dumb ass refused to turn his ipod off.

Now, I was recently on a flight from Newark to Cleveland where this camel jockey (I'm allowed to drop Arabic slurs, I'm part carpet rider) refused to put his carry on bag a few spaces behind his seat. This is understandable only because the guy might have had some valuable shit in his bag. Or a bomb. If he wants to be able to keep an eye on his bag I believe he should have the right. This is America, not the Arab Emirate. If you have ever flown on a plane you know that the pilot politely asks his passengers to turn off all electronic devices for take off. This is a request that myself and I bet many others have thought as being an asinine practice, but we do it anyways. Something so silly but only takes 10 minutes out of your 3 and half hour flight. What Santonio, did Ludacris have to get you all pumped up for the take off? Do you need Three-Six Mafia to get you in the zone for instructions on how to use the seat belt and where your flotation device is? I can just see it right now.

Sexy Stewardess: "Um, excuse me sir. Can you please turn off your ipod? We are about to take off."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "Naw, bitch lady! You know who I am? I'm Santonio Holmes! Get me a purple drank!"

Sexy Stewardess: "Um, but sir, all electronic devices must be turned off for take off."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "I don't think ya heard me. I said naw, bitch."

Sexy Stewardess: "Sir, if you don't turn off your device we will have to escort you off the aircraft."

Dumb-Ass Football Player: "Fine! Do it! Take ME to jail!"

Sexy Stewardess: "Ok asshole! You asked for it!"

Cue the big, burley Air Marshall just bear hugging Santonio and throwing him off the plane like Ben Roethilisberger hooking up with him for his game winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

Now, I had another post ready to publish but I saw this story and had to give my take. I don't know weather to think these athletes are either completely brain dead or really believe that they are invincible. In Santonio Holmes' case, he has to be the dumbest boon I have ever seen. Hey, dumbass! You were just traded a year after you won the Super Bowl for the Steelers. If you haven't learned that your conduct has been that big of an issue, then those 3 years at Ohio State were a waste. I mean shit, Stevie Wonder could've seen how big of screw up you were during your tenure with Pittsburgh. I guess it's only fair to give the New York Jets staff a little taste of how big of pain in the ass you're going to be. Don't get down though, Jets fans. If Santonio doesn't work out, you always have Braylon. Hmmmm. Sorry, Jets fans.

Not Too Far From Home

So being in Italy for roughly 3 days has really got me thinking. I absolutely hate West 6th Street in Downtown Cleveland. I mean I can understand the chacheyness and creeps in Italy because it's part of the culture. Part of West 6th Street is predominantly skanks and douche bags. Don't get me wrong, I love a good skank every once and a while but for the douche bags, I want to tell these grease monkeys that those fake ass Dolce and Gabana they are wearing (at 11 o'clock at night) are just making them look complete ass clowns while they feed skanks vodka cranberries in hope one of these skanks will take a look their cranks up close.

Italians are the best. I mean these guys are so shauvanistic it's hilarious. We're walking down the street and women are getting just eye f*cked and getting cat calls hollered at them. You go down to West 6th and guys are still doing but instead they look like absolute creep/pervs. Here it's like all the Italians have never seen a woman walk the earth before and they have to be snapped out of whatever vagina induced trance that was just set on them. No joke, one of these dough spinners almost ran his bike into a pole checking out one of my co-workers. I was watching the whole thing just getting antsy knowing this guy might split his dome open. That's besides the point, I guess I'm just a little sick for hoping he got hurt, whatever.

It sucks though because it doesn't go both ways here (although I think a lot of the guys do). I mean women keep to themselves. You don't really see any women acting like the men, you don't see them checking out dudes (or maybe they're just not checking me out). Even though, it is entertaining to watch the natives do work here, it sadly reminds me of West 6th and all the dick heads that pollute the Downtown Cleveland area and then the skanks who follow suit. So I just want to thank Italy for giving me a reminder of what I am not missing from home.