Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I See London, I See France

I first would like to apologize to all of my flounders who have long awaited my return to the pond. It looks like a volcano in Iceland is similar to one of the worse terrorist attacks in U.S. history, in the sense that every airport in Europe had to close until the dust settled, literally.

Anyways, back to my stupid and irrelevant thoughts and ideas.

We have already touched on "Gym Guy" and "Wanna-Be-Gym Guy" a bit. This next guy is one that not everyone sees. This guy is one that really should not be getting knocked on because he isn't trying to hurt anyone, he's just looking for a friend. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you, "Locker Room Guy". Yes, I am talking about the guy who is always in the locker room, socializing, usually ass naked wearing only flip flops, and pretty much takes a giant leap over the line in the locker room.

I know not many guys are comfortable with locker rooms strictly because of "Locker Room Guy" and that's ok, he have that effect on other people. You see, "Locker Room Guy" can come in a few variations. You got your "Old School Locker Room Guy" who is the grandpa that will only talk to other geriatrics and basically refuses to put on any clothes unless it is absolutely necessary. After a hard work out consisting of 3/4 of a mile walking on the treamill and a 15 minute session of smacking around 2 1/2 pound plates, Gramps will usually waddle to the locker room and straight up strip down to nothing. Oh and you think this vet is wearing flip flops? Hell no! He has seen "worse shit grow on his feet back when he was fighting in Nam". He then proceeds to jump in the sauna for a good 10-15 minutes, does a steam for about 5, then chases it all with a quick shower. Now, any normal person would hurry up, get dressed, and jet on out of there, not old man Rivers. Gray bush decides to stay in his towel, sit down, and watch whatever the club decides to put on that day by the sitting area. Now I know they put that table and chairs in there for people to sit at and relax, but no one is ever supposed to actually use them. I mean, do you hate going home so bad that you will sit in a room where other naked guys are walking back and forth? I don't get it.

I can't just hate on the older demographic that roam around in the locker room. This next one really can get on a guy's nerves quick. "Social Locker Room Guy" is probably the guy that forces most men to get their work out in and dip out of the gym. I won't lie, there is nothing better than a long steam or sauna after a workout. I mean just to be able to sit there for 15 minutes and read the sports page is a great way to wind down from a strenuous workout. That is until Chatty Kathy steps into the sauna and takes that away from you. I don't mind breaking down the Cavs game from the night before but when you start predicting the whole next series before game 1 has even tipped then you're just pissing in the wind. And please, put a towel on while you're in the sauna. What's the point of bringing in two towels and only using one to lean back on? I know you feel a little more masculine because you're talking sports with other swinging dicks after you just smacked plates but come on, cover up, don't celebrate it. Oh yeah, and if you do see "Social Locker Room Guy" chillin in their, don't plan on using the blow dryer. No joke, "Social Locker Room Guy" uses that to dry other parts of his body besides his hair, if you know what I mean.

Don't let this keep you down, fellas. There are a couple ways of getting rid of these pests. The next time you walk into the sauna and you see either one of these guys hanging out (literally, all hanging out), you dig for the biggest booger you can find in your beak and you throw that mama jama right on the hot coals. This will let off the nastiest stink, they will have no choice but to get out. If that doesn't work, you smoke them out. Grab a water bottle and you drench those coals so they cannot even stand the heat. There is no reason why these inconsiderate knobs should deprive us a sauna or keep us from using the locker room facilities. So if you are one of the guys I mentioned, please, when you see me in the sauna, shower, or getting dressed, keep your comments to yourself and your eyes on the wall. Thanks.

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